40 w.

I think we can all agree... there's only so much a body can handle.

Something strange happens to a woman on her due date. She starts to go a little insane. And every subsequent day following her brain begins to unravel. There's nothing she can do but wait. There are no answers for the questions posed to her. A man passing her on the street knows as much about when the baby is coming as she does. It's the truth.

So we wait. And eat ice cream. Really, what else is there to do?

A Mother's Day

We have the opportunity and glorious good fortune to have Jake's mom, our Nana, visiting since Friday. She's here for the baby but it just so happens we spent much of Mother's Day with her. We had her all to ourselves. A lucky, lucky year. The kids clearly love her and she treats me exactly like one of her own daughters and I love her so much for that.

It's baby-having time. Come on little one, make your escape. Pretty please?

39 weeks.

People can't stop staring at me. They tilt their head to the side slightly, do a double take, the corners of their mouth pursed in a "poor girl" kind of face. I don't blame them. I am walking ridiculousness. In public, with no shame.

Jake and I had a night away this weekend. We stayed downtown and ate skittles 'til midnight. I don't sleep well at night lately, but I took 1 hour naps all the way until 11 a.m. Not bad. It was nice to have some peace and quiet, have a nice dinner at Market Street Grill, my faaaaavorite place, and watch the rain fall on the big buildings of Salt Lake City. Beautiful.

I missed the girls. Turns out they had a great time with my brother and his wife!

I'm not sure what can possibly top this anxious waiting game. Baby coming! Don't know her! Can't wait to know her! What can possibly top this? Maybe when my babies have babies someday... I'll be just as excited.

I'm expelling a deep breath now... out of my swollen face, belly resting heavily on my lap, my mouth set in a weary curve. To most other people in the world, May is going to be just another spring month. For us and our loved ones, an explosion of happiness and surprise.

My View-- 38 weeks.

Holy moly is the first thing that comes to my mind.

The last weeks of pregnancy is a journey of self discovery that you can't fully share with anyone. You are trapped inside your brain. The one that you used to depend on. Now there's a team of people inside your head playing laser tag:

When will I be done being pregnant-I don't know-I can't last another day-Yes you can-I don't even know myself anymore-I'm huge-The baby has hiccups again-My skin is stretchy-Everything hurts-Why won't the other children let me be-My husband is no longer funny-Not at all-I can't wait to meet her tiny face-Will I make it to the hospital-What am I forgetting-Charge the video camera-Make a thousand lists-Be ready for the pain-Try to act sane-Pay attention when people talk to you-

I complain. And then I realize how incredibly lucky I am. And I try to let that sink in. Because I am. So. Lucky.

The anticipation is killing me (mentally and physically). And if I avoid mirrors I have a way better day.

Warmth

It's warming up. Moving here in January, I didn't know if this would ever occur. And truthfully, I still don't trust it.

But I'll take it. We're eating otter pops in 70 degree weather. It's amazing how much weather changes your mood and lifestyle.

I think I'm a person again. I'm wearing a t-shirt.

There is a baby's shoulder nestled tightly inside the curve of my hipbone. Our bones gently knock together as I walk. Just something I live with on a daily basis. Something that's called "normal". But when you think about it... it's pretty crazy. So human, such a miracle...

And may I add, 9 months is a very long time.

36 weeks: Welcome to the watermelon patch.

(Thanks Jake for the photo)

Oh little one,

I find myself day dreaming about you. What the color of your heels are. Pink, or a deeper purple? Will your lips have those faint lines dividing them in cross-sections, or will they just be plump and red? Will your hair stick up off your head, or will you be a baldy?

I can't believe it was thanksgiving, and I felt your little feathery movements for the first time. How small you must have been! Almost transparent.

I think your nose bridge will be flatter than Lills and your forehead will be too. At least that's what I get from the ultra sounds.

I think your fingernails will be long (unless you come early). I think you'll start smacking your lips and tongue within 10 minutes of birth. Ready to eat. You'll do that shaky newborn thing while they weigh you like you're summoning the masses with your arms and legs. You'll hate your first sponge bath.

Or maybe you won't?

We really don't know. But I want to know everything now. What does your beautiful face look like? Who will you remind me of? I can't wait to see you.

Until then.

Take it easy.

A few things.

Cranberry Slushie from Sonic. Such a better alternative to going out to the backyard for a handful of fresh snow. When your baby is taking all the water you drink and using it to fill your massive internal balloon, you get reallll thirsty.

Went to the DMV with all three children and belly at approximately 4pm. Grace fell off the counter, Lillie was eating fishie crackers off the floor and almost escaped out the exit while I was trying to register my car. I had to run (not a pretty sight) after her with a village worth of Utahns staring at me in their seats. Why did I leave the stroller in the garage??? Then they all had to use the bathroom on the way out, which was pretty nasty by the way. And Lillie hit her head on the bathroom door jam. All together, a pretty eventful day.

We got a regular bed for Lills and I set up the crib in our room for the new baby just today. As I was in the opposite room rocking Lillie for her nap, I gazed through the cracked door and saw Grace sitting on the edge of my bed, cradling a teddy bear. She was gently rocking it. After a minute, she got up slowly and laid her teddy in the crib. As she walked out of the room, she got my eye and gave me a smirk. What a girl.

What is it about washing baby clothes and folding them? And newborn blankets? And buying little tiny diapers and even little nose suckers and nail clippers. And the most beautiful butterfly crib sheet. Baby obsession continues.

What's coming up.

Today I'm posting this photo because it represents something. Me, looking down on Lills. Not able to squat any longer. Normally, I get down on her level anytime I'm taking her photo, but that time has passed. It is very hard for me to come out of a squat. I usually have to go onto one knee and use a hand to push off the ground. I'm just sayin', times are changing.

Our Easter was wonderful. All about General Conference and greed. The greed part being, "We hid some candy eggs in the yard, go outside and find as many as you can. Then, pig out. Ready, set, go." The General Conference part was nice, including making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, distributing snacks and breaking up fights, and in the interim, catching a few quotes here and there. I kept reminding myself to really go back and read certain talks. It's the only way.

Almost all of my siblings were here at my house. Naomi and her husband came from Rexburg, ID, Miriam and her husband, Jared and his wife, Gideon and his wife, Hannah and her husband and my neice, Kayla. Bethany, my little sister who's in High School drove out from California with some friends for conference and spent the day with us here. We were only missing Isaac and Rachel. It was a blast. There was at least one uncle or aunt drawing or doing art with the girls all day long. And Lills was very entertained. And I think I ate virtually all day (and into the night, shhhh).

I have become a shell of the intellectual I used to be. Don't ask me any questions that aren't related to childbirth or a baby. I won't be able to properly represent the brain that's inside me somewhere. Even during conference talks, when hearing about mothers and children and leading and guiding, my hand finds its way to rest gently on my belly. Another little child coming to us.

5 more weeks. And today's almost over, so that means I'll have 4 weeks and 6 days (give or take). Not that I'm counting. This impending baby is the only thing I can think about. It has consumed me. One minute she's got the hiccups, the next I'm trying to scoot her foot around the outside of my belly. I picture her, think about her back and her head and her legs and all the others.

I think about labor. I'm a little nervous, given my history with Lillie being born 2 minutes after I arrived at the hospital. It's just the one thing that I thought I'd have so much control over but after Lills realized it can go a little awry. So I'm excited for her to come. She could be born today and I would be overjoyed, ready, happy, relieved. But in the back of my mind lies the dormant memory of the terrifying pain and euphoric joy that comes from birthing.

It's an interesting irony. But will be beautiful no matter what.

34 weeks

Photo by Grace

You started sucking your fingers today. I could feel the tap of the back of your fist against the inside of my stomach. A rhythm, just like Lillie used to do in her last month. It endears me to you. How are you feeling in that warm bath? Is your soul fully intact? Do you hear us?

Grace scratches my belly. She talks to you in baby talk. Ruby loves you with her eyes closed. Lillie points at my tummy and says, "bee-bee". Or other times, she pushes on you really hard. I hate it, but you probably don't even notice.

The country is preparing for your arrival. It's spring now. I saw a fly buzzing outside the kitchen window. A FLY! People are laying out blankets and picnicking. There are political changes and the rivers and creeks are swollen with snow melt. This community whirls around you. You don't care to keep up, after all, you're not even born yet.

Six more weeks, baby. It's a journey, I feel like giving up but I don't have much of a choice. You are going to practically double your weight and there's nothing I can do about it. And once you're born, 8 plus pounds, I'll be so proud of every inch of your perfectly crafted infant body.

It's hard, though, I'm not gonna lie.

When I'm not thinking of you, I feel large and icky and tired and itchy. I cringe in the mirror and breathe heavily while I walk down the hall. My fingers feel like sausages when I play the piano. My throat burns after dinner until bedtime. I feel really old and really swollen.

When I am thinking of you, I feel excited and lucky. You kick Lillie steadily while I rock her to dreamland and then you keep going while I eat ice cream, and sit at the computer. Then we go to bed, you and I. I lay on my side and read a book, you moving like a hurricane. The corners of my mouth turn up as you keep turning and kicking and sucking and twisting.

I wish I could spend the entire pregnancy in bed or in close proximity.

We've almost made it. When it's time to come out, let's take it nice and easy, eh?

We all love you, beautiful little girl.

IQ:

Driving down Cottonwood Canyon at sunset.

My mind has gone off a cliff. Feels like driving in the rain. I was on my knees cleaning the girl's room (because it's easier than trying to reach down from a standing position). After I separated their clean clothes from their dirty, I spotted a small pile of toys in the corner. I didn't know what to do with them. I couldn't remember. Is there a place in our house for toys? I couldn't remember. So I had to leave and come back. Wipe my brain clean, like a chalkboard.

It was that bad.

It's literally all I can do just to concentrate on moving about. Take care of the basic needs of me and my family. But intelligent conversation? There is no way. The thoughts are there. I can feel the strength of them. They're pushing against that wall of fog in my head, and they can't make their way out. I feel around for them, kick up some dust, maybe one or two really important things surface, and the rest recede as quickly as they came forward.

This might be hard for someone to follow, sure, but imagine how hard it must be for me to explain intelligently that I'm getting dumber! Really think about that. An eloquent way to state, "I don't think straight". I'm not even sure who's fault it is. The pregnancy? My three kids? No one's?

What's my name again?

So many questions...

32 weeks

photo by Jenni

Gluttony.

27 weeks

It's hard work, gluttony. Takes focus, concentration, and deep breaths during meals. It's not an easy task gaining all the weight that I do. Sometimes after the kids go to bed, my Kitchenaid makes me treats. Often cookies. Sure, I have to measure the ingredients out, but Kitchie, she goes to work stirring my concoction, her motor running along with compassion and empathy. My finished product is then consumed anywhere from 9p.m. to 12a.m. And for breakfast and perhaps after lunch.

It's hard work, I tell you.

40 Weeks

I am inside in the air conditioning for a bit. Jake and Ruby are napping and I have just eaten a few pounds of jelly beans. Donna took this photo of me last night. The sunset was gorgeous and all 15 (or so) of our family were all out at dusk, throwing a football around and taking photos. I think the air temperature was exactly the same as my body temperature. Perfect. I know I will look back at this time in my pregnancy and miss it terribly.

Love to all.

Happy Days

Running out of the water as a beautiful afternoon storm rolls in.

Below: A gorgeous morning.

Jake and Ruby are constantly in this type of interaction. Him feigning deep concern while she drills him with very serious topics.
My brother in law caught a blowfish.

We are having a great time at the beach. I had some time today to post these pictures, we came back into town for my doctor appointment and Jake had to work today. Grace's front tooth is SUPER loose and I told her we could make a deal: maybe her tooth and our new baby can come out the same day? We shall see. The dr. said I am 2 centimeters dilated and 50% softened. Which really means absolutely nothing. It's just nice to know I'm more than 0 cm and 0%. He also said that he would be surprised if I made it through the weekend. You all heard it. Let's see if that's really true. I'm feeling so heavy and large now, I can't imagine going another week. It certainly would test my inner strength and sanity. Here's to another few days of waddling along the beach!

Family Vacay

We are off to Redington Shores, FL for a Smylie Family Beach Vacation. A whole week of beaching, eating, playing games, laughing, talking, photographing, staying up late and much more. It's been in the planning for a year now and everyone is so excited. I'll be about an hour and a half away from my Dr. and hospital. So let's all just hope that I don't have Baby Girl in the car on I-4! I will be back on Tuesday for a little while to have my 40wk Dr. appointment, so I will keep everyone updated. And to clarify, we don't really want baby to come out anymore. Not until the 28th when we're done at the beach. But as we all know by now, she has her own agenda.
P.S. . . . I am DYING to see what she looks like! Black hair? Brown hair? What size lips? What shape chin and nose? And forehead? And sticky outty ears? And toes and fingers long, short, what?? And what will the bridge of her nose look like? And will she have chubby cheeks? The suspense is killing me.

My Little Procrastinator

Drumroll please. And a big marching band playing a triumphant song. Because Baby Girl Smylie has finally turned around. Head down. She has assumed the position and is making my life SO very happy right now. No more worrying about her being breech. No more feet kicking where they shouldn't be. Thank you baby girl, for thinking of me and turning in my 39th week (in fact, turning just THIS MORNING before my appointment). Thank you for not waiting 'til next week. I am considering it your gift to me for being your mom and carrying you all of these months. Now.... if only... to go into labor. Every pregnant mother's dream at this point in the pregnancy.

So Grateful

The two beauties giving me a "Happy Father's Day" smile.

I have noticed my blog's gotten a bit: "tell you my feelings". I really am sick of myself. All the reflections, emotions, all these nerve endings in my brain crying out for attention and "feed me with tears and lamenting". Yes, sick of it. SO. Onto today... I never ever ever thought I'd make it to 10 days til my due date. It's all so exciting. And dang, baby girl, just turn over already!!

Here are a few things that help me celebrate my 39th week:

I am a puffy puff ball.
My lips are double Angelina Jolie's. And it's not a compliment.
I have some solid pockets of back fat.
The universe forced me to replace prenatal vitamins with lots and lots of white bread. Weird.

I have a few people to thank:

Jake, for pushing our clean laundry from our bed onto the floor and declaring, "Aw, love, WE'll just fold that tomorrow!" Mmmmm hmmm... (Jake and I disagree on the meaning of "we").

Grace, for only slamming a door in anger once the whole weekend. For refusing to eat rice for dinner and thinking, in all her genius, that an apple would suffice for a full meal.

Ruby, for saving up all weekend to fill her night diaper with stinky-stink for me this morning (Ruby and I disagree on the meaning of "potty-trained").

New Baby, for giving me just enough physical pain that having a newborn will feel easy-breezy.

Changed My Mind

Sorry guys. I decided not to go in for the "external cephalic version" (see below). I was getting nervous in the afternoon, and by this evening, just had to go with my instinct which is: leave the baby alone, wait a little bit and maybe she'll flip on her own. There was a good chance that everything tomorrow would have gone fine, but there was also a chance that the doctors turning her would have caused her to go into distress, and then I would have a c-section at 37 almost 38 weeks. I decided to wait and see if I can hold her in there for another week or so. Who knows, if they miscalculated my due date at all, she could be younger than 38 weeks and born with her lungs being slightly premature or some other complication.

Maybe I'm just a natural girl, but I didn't get excited about two people pushing her around with their forearms, either. Who knows what the next week or two will bring, but there is a high chance that I'll have a c-section because she's breech. 87% chance, actually. I've been on Google a lot tonight:) So I'm trying to get used to that. And hoping for the best. These decisions are tough, but I am SO lucky to have a healthy (and hairy) baby girl in there!

Anyone?

Has anyone ever tried to turn a breech baby? Because that's what they're going to do to me at the hospital at 8a.m. tomorrow. All I know is that I have one NAUGHTY baby on my hands. How can you be head down every single appointment except the 38 week appointment? You can if you're a little sassy pants like she is. But by the ultrasound, we know that she does HAVE HAIR! And it's spiky. Can't wait to see her. If the "version" goes well and she stays head down, then I will just wait a few more days, or weeks, until I go into labor on my own. If they can't turn her, then I will have to schedule a c-section for the next week or so which I have never had... ugh. And if they turn her and her heart rate goes down or her cord "compresses" or gets wrapped around her neck, then they're going get her out tomorrow. But that's a very small chance, so we will plan on best case scenario.

Wish us luck...

Nearing Completion

This is the point where I start upping the exercise. Or should I say, adding the exercise since there IS no exercise to start "upping". Jumping jacks, side bends, stairs, jogging, mental calisthenics. You name it, I will try it. Little Baby Girl Smylie, I have loved housing you in my warm tummy, but the next 2.5 weeks are going to be rough.