Twins, babies, marriage.

Above: Hannah carrying her twins in the Moby wrap.

I love my baby twins! Whenever Hannah brings them over I start talking in a high-pitched voice and generally don't stop. They're just so adorable and very new still. They move and sound and sleep like newborns!

A friend and I were talking today as we watched our four children (each) run around the children's museum at the Gateway. We both felt done. I never thought the desire for another baby would wane, or fade, or ever be gone. I didn't think it possible. But it has faded substantially. Of course, the curiosity of what another one of mine would be like is still there, but my arms do not hunger like they used to. I love babies still, every last inch of them. It has taken a long time to get here, but I feel good. I feel full. I feel used up, in a good way.

Meanwhile, my sister is going out of her mind trying to manage her household going from one child to having three! I'm glad I have room in my arms to help out when I can!

I saw this picture on Jake's computer today:

He and I. He asked me if I remembered who we used to be "back then". I started crying... Yes, yes, of course I remember. We have come so many miles and been through so much together since then. The change and the growth and the joy and the pain is almost too much to think about. What a great life this is. And I'm so glad I can share it with him.

Sunday Photos and Anniversary.

Tonight there is rain ringing my doorbell. It comes toward our house in sheets. Reminding me that some nights, buckets of water just come out of the sky, and there's nothing we can do.

Our life has been like that for us, a storm and a blue sky and a cloud and some wind and a nasty cold front and then the most beautiful day you've ever seen and swear you'll ever see.

Jake and I went away for our anniversary. During which I didn't take one photo. We were completely ourselves and it was fantastic to have uninterrupted thoughts, conversations and laughter.

We've been married for ten years.

Starting out, we were pretty in love. We never spent one day apart. We got married and both worked at the same place, with the same hours, and our classes at the U were at the same time so we could walk to class together. I was expecting Grace before our first anniversary and the rest just seems like it went by SO fast.

We've come into a new realm of marriage. So much more is unspoken. We see each other more clearly. The extra has sloughed off and our souls are exposed. My core is in love with his and nothing else really matters.

Sure there are some tough times and there will be more. But on this heavy, rainy night, I am him and he is me and we are in this together, and I'm lucky.

Last month in Clearwater Beach, FL.

Love Day

I cannot ever put into words how I feel about you, Jake.

I would write you a love poem if I could. But then they'd just make fun of us, wouldn't they?

I'll say this. There has never, and there never will be, anyone I love more than you. You are the beginning, the end, and all the in-between. You're my super-crazy best friend and I love you times a thousand.

xoxo
Sarie.

Jake

Reasons why I love you:

1. You're a perfect Dad, an excellent Dad. The best Dad there is.

2. You have a lot of really good ideas.

3. You love to snuggle us, and especially, me.

4. You were young with me.

5. You love babies just as much as me.

6. You crack me up {almost} every day.

7. We think the same and we think opposite. Both are good.

8. We're in this together. We both just know... our cores are the same.

9. You're a perfectionist.

10. You want to be close to our girls. You want to love them and take care of them just as much as I do. And for that, I love you the most.

Sunday Photos

These photos are grainy, I took them at dusk right after their bath and right before I sent them to bed. Lillie's got binkies and a bottle, Ruby's got a bruise on her forehead, Grace is loving her matching pajamas and Matilda looks like she's 9 months old.

As for Jake, I didn't know where life would lead us when we got married. We were only kids, with lofty dreams and all the freedom in the world. There's been twists and free falls. There's been heaven and something in between. I didn't know how I could love him more than I did the day we were married in the Oakland temple, me a little lightweight in my wedding dress I bought at the mall. He wearing a tux and all smiles. We held our breath.

And here we stand. These baby girls forever wedged in between us. Physically and emotionally. We hardly talk about anything else. Our barrels are full of them. And our reserves are empty. Being their parents takes everything we have and everything we will have.

But I have him. He is my home and rock and thunderclap and hot shower. My throat tightens as I look that this photo. I couldn't have married a man who would love my daughters more than he does.

No matter what he does, no matter what he says, I will forever love him for that. I know what I have and I try not to take it for granted.

32

Jake,

Sometimes we talk about how much space there is between us compared to our newlywed days. How the girls have wedged their bodies and their hearts in between us, between our conversation and coherent thoughts, inside our rational ideas. There's no escaping them, and we've learned how to somewhat cling to the us, the two of us. But really, what would we be without our girls?

I remember the day you told me you wanted to marry me.

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with Grace, the look on your face, me in my cut offs that day, both of us so young.

I remember the day she was born. How we both cried. How a bright heaviness was in the room, pulling us together, making our dreams come true, creating in just moments a bond we could never break. How you stayed up all night with her, holding and rocking. Her birth taught us how valuable we are to our own family, to our own God.

I remember moving with you. So many places. Getting the girls settled in their beds. Always that first night in our new place, staying up so late laughing, unpacking, arguing about little things, laughing later, living day after day in our new life.

I remember flying on airplanes with you. First to our honeymoon, alone, on our own little cloud, across the country. Then to Arizona, California, Florida, each place adding experience. Each child adding chaos and entertainment.

There are so many memories only you and I can recount. That's the special part.

Tonight I rocked Lillie in her room. It was a no-go. I gave her a pack of m&m's at Home Depot (I know, you told me not to!) and there was no way she was snoozing anytime soon. So I just rocked her for awhile. I heard your voice float down the hallway. So deep and familiar. So strong. How long in my life I wished for a big strong man in my house to have that voice, that deep one, that filled the air. Calming my nerves, making me feel loved.

I heard a higher version, an inflection saved for our daughters. One of them was out of her bed and on your lap at the computer. She talked with you and without hearing the words you said, I could tell you were caring about her, caressing her face, telling her she was loved and beautiful and worth so much.

This is precisely why I love you. If I could pinpoint it, it would be the love you have for me and our children. It wrenches my heart. It melts away your imperfections. It makes me love you madly, makes my heart beat strong, gives me chills.

I love you, of course, told you a million times. And if I had a bunch of money, I'd buy you a motorbike and a couple of timeshares.

Happy Birthday.

Us

There was this one time over 8 years ago when I wanted to marry him and he wasn't sure. It's every girl's nightmare. He loved me, that's for sure. We couldn't be without each other. He would spend every last second with me, every day, with no end in sight. But he wasn't sure. He needed some time to be sure. I was sick of it, sick of knowing and him not.

So one night after a week of hard conversations, we broke up. We both sat there in excruciating pain in my living room as we discussed our future, "You can go to Arizona for the summer and I will stay here and get started at the U", I said between sobs. It was all just too hard to handle. We were up most of the night until he finally drove home at first morning light. I left for work with no sleep. I went in the bathroom and cried. I threw my uneaten sandwich away. There was drama, there were tears. All day long.

He came by that evening and there were some intense silences. Some not knowing. There was gravity. He had also had a horrible day. We discussed some things. We decided we couldn't be apart ever again. He would get his thoughts sorted out and meanwhile there would be no pressure from me.

We kissed again, not 24 hours after our first and only break up.

It was good to be home again.

Happy Anniversary, baby.

There is no one else

Who understands it all. Every speck. When I am worn out, kids causing frustration to boil inside of me, rice all over the kitchen floor, a thousand things on my brain, I look so forward to sitting next to him every evening. Watching a show, folding laundry, going over finances. His scratchy, hairy arm brushes mine and he gets all my jokes. It's just, normal. Very normal and very nice.

I don't care how long we've been married.

If you clean my kitchen, you are a drop-dead gorgeous man.

8 Years Ago Today...

Jacob and I had our first [stay up all night making out] kiss.

A Florida Storm.

It's rainy today. Makes me miss my homeland of Eureka, California. Grace just got home from school. We are baking cinnamon rolls and Lillie is half naked. Everything is tasting yummy. Only a few more hours until my pajamas are back on and peace is restored to the house. It can't come soon enough!

p.s. I really love Jacob these days. He knows what to say to make me feel really awesome. And there is nothing funnier than watching The Bachelor with him. He turns into a chatterbox and has so many tidbits stored in that brain of his.

Love Story

He was unlike anyone else. He looked a little older than 22. He was always laughing. He snowboarded Brighton on the weekends. He was spontaneous. He talked fast, had green eyes, loved fountain drinks. He was a star of energy, charisma and grand ideas.

She was young, special and fearless. She was skinny, energetic and sarcastic. She knew what she wanted. She smiled all the time. She saw him and a light went on inside her. She could see something in his eyes.

He spoke, they laughed. A little time went by, they fell in a deep love, kissed, held hands, planned the future. Being together felt like they had finally come home. They decided to be married and never once doubted they were meant to be together. Sure, they annoyed each other sometimes, but they couldn't stand being apart. She knew how he liked to have his neck scratched just gently. He knew she liked to be listened to, and complimented.

Their first year of marriage, they were only a couple of kids. Eating pizza in bed, working at the same place, going to college together, taking trips. Life was lovely. Their first baby came a year later. They had never been so incredibly happy.

Seven years have passed since their summer wedding day. She cries when she thinks of how lucky they still are. Their life now consists of being parents together, collapsing in bed at midnight and giving a hardly audible sigh that means both "Goodnight", and "I love you". She kisses him when he walks through the door. He loves the way she cares for his children. She admires how hard he works, he watches her lovingly while she dresses the babies and washes his clothes. They argue sometimes, but the next day they are back to being best friends. They spend their days thinking of each other in the back of their minds.

They wouldn't trade their lives for anything else in the world. They are intrinsically connected to each other, and the universe to them, to God. Sometimes it's a struggle for survival, sometimes it's uncontrollable laughter. Mostly though, it's waking up to one normal day after another, all adding up to a beautiful, beautiful love story.

Happy Anniversary, Baby.

Photos are a bit blurry, there wasn't quiet enough light, but these are my little friends on Valentine's Day. We baked red velvet cupcakes and proceeded to eat them for two meals yesterday and three meals today.

Jake and I put our Valentine's Day photos from our little project into albums and wrote little notes about each one. I swear, for all the attitude he was throwing out, he was going to really slack on this one. BUT, his book was WAY better than mine: heartfelt, and completely made me cry. When I had tears brimming on one picture about me loving salads and the outdoors, he looked at me with a triumphant smile that reminded me of the ONE present on Christmas that always makes mom cry. And if you're the giver of that gift, it's the ultimate honor. The perfect concoction of sensitivity and thought. He deserved a trophy, even though he had the pregnancy hormones on his side...

Good one, Jake. You made this V-Day one of the best of my life.

Anniversary

Zee Flowers

Dork 1

Dork 2

Dork 3

The Inn


Six years. Six year of joy, laughter, vacations, children, some throbbing pain, some indecision, some over-decision, some rainbows, some under-eating, some over-eating, some cherishing, some taking-for-granted, some absolute moments of truth, a stupid purchase here and there, lots of real estate, some extended family, and most of all: lots of tender tender love.

I met Jake at UVSC one day when he sat with my friend at the lunch table. I went to talk to my friend hoping Jake would check it while I walked by him. I put on my best "Super cute, funny, flirty Sarah". No takers. He was very unfriendly, unnoticing and super boring. I couldn't figure him out. He must have thought he was way too cool for me. When he started working at the place I worked (Modus Media in Lindon, UT) he was confoundingly friendly and very very funny. I asked him if he remembered me from our meeting at UVSC. I learned that no, he didn't remember. ("HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME??") He had been hospitalized with a concussion from a Snowboarding accident and the six weeks following the accident, he was angry and non-motivated and couldn't remember much (yes, definitely him at the lunch table). I thought, well, alright, if there was any excuse to use it would be that one.

So we were friends for about 6 months before we started dating (how did we hold out so long? He had a girlfriend). We couldn't leave eachother's sides after that, so we would be found sleeping on the floor of my apartment, in the car, on the front porch, in his apartment in a sitting position. We would just fall asleep trying to be together until 4 or 5 a.m. The first two weeks of dating I had to drop 12 of my 15 credits and only kept my Creative Writing class because it was at 1pm. He would take me to school, and wait for me outside my class. We would walk to the car together, and would have to go our separate ways to work waiting until the LAST minute possible. After work he would come to my house and we would be together for many hours. I remember one morning at about 3 a.m., we were falling asleep and we decided we needed something to keep us awake (so he didn't have to go home), so I spent an hour or two in the living room of my duplex teaching him how to do The Worm (it's a breakdance move).

He proposed on the top of Snowbird Mountain Resort in June of 2001. I gave him an emphatic yes. We were married in the Oakland Temple August 14th, 2001. Those were such tender memories. We had our reception in my hometown of Eureka, California and were on our way to the Florida Coast the next morning for our Honeymoon. I can't live without him and find myself in awe of him in so many small moments in our lives.

He graduated from the U of U in December 2004 when Gracie wasn't even two yet, we moved to Arizona for a year, and came back to Utah last spring.

He's the kind of person that says things like,
"Sarah, I promise to make you laugh every day of our entire lives... .... [awkward silence]........ ........... ...
C'Mon, LAUGH!!"