Why I Eat Chocolate Late At Night.

(Photos taken in June, Redington Shores)
I almost completely lost my mind yesterday at the North Lakeland Walmart what with all the screaming, pushing, yelling, tears and rage. My skin was crawling with confusion, steam came out my ears, tears threatened to spill down my cheeks and I hoped that someone would come in and save my life, right then.

Allow me to start at the beginning.

I hate Walmart, it's dirty and stinky, there are very interesting customers who shop there and their produce and meat are questionable. But they have great prices on trash bags, so sometimes I go. Some days I do not think ahead and I go with all three of my animals after my oldest one has had a long day at school and her blood sugar is low. I could feel my heart start beating faster the moment I parked. We walked through the doors and within the first two minutes, Grace had me agreeing to buy some strawberry milk as long as she "wouldn't complain about wanting anything else". I held her to that. Until she did actually complain, then I forgave her. I forgave her about ten more times still threatening that, "the next time, you really aren't going to get the strawberry milk". I realize my inconsistencies, but give me a break. My brain goes to scrambled eggs when I'm carrying a 3-month-old, pushing a cart and trying to plan dinner in my head while making sense of cheese labels.

Here we go, on to the present. At the check-out. She cries bitterly when I say no to the chapstick. Somehow, that's the last chance. Sorry pooch, that's the one. Mommy's invisible button. Strawberry milk gets set back onto the shelf. Not to be purchased this time. The world's orbit is reversed, and the consequences begin to spill out like water from a broken dam. I will spare you the details on this one, but trust me, it was horrible. She went completely out of control. Did I mention she freaked out? Shaking the cart that Lillie was IN, stomping her feet, going red in the face. I proceeded with checking out, trying to ignore her. Nasty woman in front of me suggested I, "take her to the bathroom and whoop 'er ass, I'll watch your other two. I would NEVER let mah kid embarrass me like that". Uhh... The old lady behind me kindly said, "I saw you being firm, that was good. Be firm, they'll thank you some...", and then I couldn't hear the rest because Grace was being so loud. She's five. But she looks like she's seven. Which makes the spectacle a huge spectacle.

I made it to the crosswalk before I broke into tears behind my sunglasses. The staggering thing was the amount of restraint I practice on a daily basis compared with the constraint that she offers me... which is absolutely zero. That's what really hurts. I left her standing outside the car while I loaded groceries and other two girls and sat in the car until I didn't feel like slapping her anymore. It only took about ten minutes.

I am patient. I feel like I am kind. I want to give her room to be herself, I don't like to micro-manage. I try to listen to what she says, let her make messes and put myself in her shoes when she is upset. I don't spank or hit her. I try to divert her when she is feeling down and creatively excite her. Does this really get me anywhere when I'm sobbing in the Walmart parking lot because my five-year-old made me embarrassingly angry and emotional? Should I have probably just left my groceries behind right when she started screaming at me? Should I start spanking her now? Is this completely my fault, that I let her get away with too much? I appreciate advice since I have no idea what I'm doing and need a serious makeover. Oh mama, somebody help me.