Holding.

Rocked my babe to sleep again tonight, as usual. I literally hold that child until she falls asleep. I sit with her in the rocker and watch her drift off. Watch her leave this world for another. No more processing the sounds from the hallway, no more picking at my chin, no more voluntary movements. She goes still and I think again, for the millionth night, how incredible it is to be a mother. Especially to mine.

She's been feverish. Tonight, finally, it's gone. Her head is cold, like it should be. She's bundled, with socks and a shirt and pajamas. Her nose is slightly cold and her temperature is completely normal again. Nothing foreign in her body struggling for the throne.

It's a special thing, what I share with Lillie. By the time her new sister comes she'll have had almost two years of her mom's heartbeat in her ear as she lets sleep come upon her. I love it. Don't know how I'm going to break it. But I'll always hold really close the memories of this time. Of not being able to give her much compared to my first, but being able to give her this.

Mama loves you Lills. All 26 pounds of you.

Mountainland.

No TV stand yet...

Our backyard with a garden area separate in the back.

Here is our home. We are renting it until we find a place to buy. This area is amazing. Right up against the mountains, up high on a hill, close to everything we need.

What a huge change. HUGE. The first night in our lovely little place our heater broke. Turned off. Never to turn back on no matter what we did. We froze. And Jake had to work the next morning. So the girls and I made phone calls starting very early until we had someone out by 11a.m. By then it was 55 degrees in our house. That is so far beyond cold for an indoor temperature. We were all in shock, huddled on the couch, with layers on, and a comforter on top. And the girls were nuts, asking me a million times if they could go outside and play in the snow. I'm like well that confirms it, none of you think clearly.

Problem fixed, we moved on to weekend chores and unpacking. I woke up each morning to massive mountains. Massive. I had forgotten how huge. We took a drive, drinking in our new surroundings, getting our bearings. We've never lived in this particular area so everything is new. I could have kissed the young mexican boy at Cafe Rio who handed me my first Veggie Salad With Shredded Lettuce And Everything On It.

Grace has moved on from the Lakeland crowd and onto the Utah boys. Apparently she is going to marry Evan from her class. He comes up to her cheek. She says he's a little small but very nice and plays Alvin the Chipmunks the Squeakquel on the playground with her and her new friends. I drop her off in the morning (curse the bitter cold that makes Lillie cry when it touches her warm morning hands) and she gallops off to form a line with the rest of her first grade class. She adapts so well.

When Lillie was born it took Ruby a few days to have the desire to hold her. She then fell in love and came into her big sister title in her own time. Same with our move. Wasn't happy with the change, missing Reef and Nana, didn't like the cold, etc. But today as she and Grace were outside playing in the snow, riding scooters around the driveway (it was in the 40s!) eating leftover Iceberg ice cream with two spoons (nuts I tell you), she proudly exclaimed that she LOVED THE SNOW. And she was VERY HAPPY! And I smiled back at her. What a little thing.

Jake and I are both really happy here. It's where we met and fell in love. It's where we started our family. It's where we feel the most at home. I have some dear friends that live here and I hope to meet more people as we settle in. I feel lucky to have a little house to tuck my family into, lucky to have a car to drive, lucky to live in another great place, lucky to have so many people who care for us.

Lucky to have eaten that root beer float a minute ago. In case you were wondering, 23-week baby girl Smylie in utero is growing just fine. And she loves root beer.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Change.

There have been some changes in the Smylie household. As in we sold the Smylie household.

We will be moving to Utah next week. Jake will still be working with his family's business.

We put our house on the market and thought we'd be here until it sold in the spring or summer. We had an offer within three weeks, a buyer who wanted to close in 8 days. So it's been quick. And stressful.

We're heading back to the west. Most things about that are good. Except the heart-wrenching aspect of leaving our family behind in Florida. Two years of living next to Jake's parents (who are like my own) and several sister-in-laws with children the same ages as mine, all living in the same neighborhood. It's going to be a huge change and I get really emotional when the absence of those I've grown so close to sinks in.

Grace embraces it, Ruby is worried about the changes, Lillie doesn't even know her middle name. How will we all handle it? Pretty good, I hope... as good as we always do. We're thinking (I know some of you don't believe us given our record) that we'll stay in Utah for a long, long time, and that encourages and uplifts us. We are both ready to plant our feet.

We have grown immensely these past two years. I have learned so much from the people of Gibsonia ward, my dear friends and people I've met through Lincoln Academy. We've melted into the community here and really experienced the southeast. It's a different world!

So, onto the new. We'll be living 7 minutes from Cafe Rio. You may laugh like it shouldn't matter... it definitely does. My two sisters and my two brothers live there and will be there to greet us. Grace's new school is very close to our house. It's nestled up against the mountain and we have a big fenced backyard with fruit trees and a large space to grow a garden.

Photos to follow!!

My Grace Today.

Why is my list so long? Things I worry might happen to her, to them. It goes on and on with multiple possibilities. Say she dodges them all, the mean fifth grade friends, the teenage angst, all the hard stuff. She graduates from high school pretty unscathed, and with a few close friends and decent grades, gets into college. Let's say she gets that far and is fairly unharmed.

Then what?

Things seem to just get more complex. What if she marries wrong and is unhappy? What if she has a family and loses a child? It's horrible to think about. But I do. And then for instance, all our prayers are answered and she handles her life well, deals with small problems, gets the main things she's always hoped for, and her sisters do the same, will I then be able to breathe?

Will I ever stop picturing her as a warmish red infant in my arms, me so afraid to be her mother, so afraid to let my heart love a little human so strongly?

Holidays

We look tired because... we are.... always!


A Smylie Christmas is one of the most momentous events of the year. Christmas Eve included a "re-enactment of the Nativity". All parts played by the grandchildren, ages six and under (mostly under). Before and after, we ate.

Christmas day, Santa Claus (or possibly an uncle) came to visit our throng. Lillie was not impressed. She let us know immediately. The rest of the day was beautiful, as we tried to sum up another year's worth of love and admiration in the giving of gifts to each other. We can never do enough for Nana and Papa Smylie, they always blow us away. After the gift giving, we ate an italian Christmas dinner that didn't stop until well into the night.

I love Jake's family so much! We were sad to wake up this morning and realize it was all over until next year. So we went to the mall. BAD DECISION.

Hope everyone had a great one.

Sunday Photo.

We've eaten lots of candy canes and talked constantly about "santy claus". My shopping is not done and the malls are packed. It's warm enough for the girls to walk around barefoot despite having perfectly shiny black shoes inside the house. Looking forward to lots of food, family and chaos this week.

xoxoxo

Uncooperative, but etible.

What a whirlwind this month is turning out to be. So next week is next week, then it's Christmas!

I kept Gracie home from school today. She felt "warm" last night and then this morning had a stuffy nose. It's getting to the point where I sense a head cold coming across the state of Alabama, throw down my mallet, and demand that Grace stays home. And then she smiles, because she loves staying home. She and Ruby are eating cookies and watching Ice Age while their little sister sleeps. My fourth-to-be is finger painting in my tummy... or something that feels similar.

This weekend we have a few Christmas gatherings, some music stuff, I'm doing a few photos, and we're barreling toward next week at breakneck speed.

(and my computer's still broken, #^%$#^$%!)

Sunday Photo

The three most valuable things to me. Cannot be recreated, or compared, or averaged. They are three completely different types of bombs. And the reasons Jake and I carry on.

Ruby has on her radiant, squishy smile that she always does lately, wearing a hand me down shirt from Grace, shorts that are much too small, and french braids from yesterday. We do care, Ruby, we do. Lills is wearing all hand me downs as well. The stripey pants are newborn size I believe, but I cannot bring myself to stash them away. They just look so 'jailbird highwaters'. The butterfly top is a dress Ruby used to wear as a baby and called, "fuffaheyes". The bottle, stolen from our baby cousin Vann weeks ago. Grace is the leader of the flock, the calmer and the rioter. Just look at that face and that hair. Unbelievable, all of them.

I hope everyone had a good weekend, filled with candy canes and short, crooked Christmas trees.

I have a spot open for family pictures Sunday December 13th. Let me know if you'd like to snatch it!! My latest session with the Berry Family: www.smyliephoto.blogspot.com