Today, I realized more than ever, I can go from one end to the other. From thinking specifically, "I have it all", to wanting to bang my head against a hard, flat surface.
Lillie screamed for hours at a time, Ruby played with Tada so well their faces lit up like Christmas trees, Grace told jokes and threw fits, Lillie gave me the funniest belly laughs in full-on joke mode, all four girls cried long and hard at bedtime, I wanted to leave the chaos but having nowhere more important to be I stayed here, cleaning-cleaning-cleaning-cleaning, Grace played Noel on the piano perfectly, I couldn't talk on the phone because of all the noise, watched Lillie wash her hands and change her clothes a million times, wanted so badly to be close to the girls today tomorrow and always, thought of a thousand ways I could be doing better, tried to be "fun" and ended up being annoyed, realized-really realized how blessed I am, and at the very end of today-- wanted peace.
The girls are all asleep now in their beds, eyelashes fluttering against their cheeks, their small red robin chests rising and falling. Safe, warm, resting. Another day is gone and I can hardly believe it's late December.
What will become of us? Our tiny little family, the six of us lost in this big, huge world. Will we stay close, arms locked together, us against the world? Hopefully. What kind of opportunities will we be afforded, which ones will we deserve?
Jake and I grow and change with each new hurdle the girls put in front of us, that life puts in front of us. We grow together, closer, more understanding of each other, and for that I feel incredibly lucky.
I hope everyone out there (hi!) has a really great Christmas.
Breathe -- Smile -- Laugh.
And for now and always, do the best you can.
1 comment:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. "From one end to the other." That validates my daily thoughts.
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