Things I've cried over this week...

The movie, Up.
The old Christmas cartoon, Small One.
CNN Heroes presentation last night.
Numerous renditions of O Holy Night.

Watch out, I'm extremely volatile.

Also, go to Pandora.com and start a station with 'Winter Song', by Ingrid and Sara. Add Greg Laswell and Ingrid Michaelson's 'Can't help falling in love'. There is no possible way to have a bad day after kicking back to that station for awhile.

You're welcome.

Sick Days and Holidays.

Girls have been sick this week. I hate the crankiness, but love the quiet drawing at the table. And the long naps they take. And I love rainy days when Grace is out of school for the week and we have nothing planned. We are home together with their little (or big) noises being absorbed by the walls of our home, eating together, cleaning, playing and just living. 

We are feeling better just in time to spend the day tomorrow at our Nana's house for Thanksgiving. We are so lucky to be around so many people we love. My sister Rachel arrives tonight to spend the weekend with us as well. Tomorrow she turns 32 and I am only 18 months younger than her. And you know what that means... I'm never too far behind.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We're having a...

And she's the size of an apple.

Ruby's version, "Called to Serve".

"Awkward never awkward, as we glory in His name."

Fun Meter

Despite these photos, taken at Chuck E. Cheese a little while ago, my fun meter is way down. When Ruby asks me to get up and come see a beautiful drawing of me and her together with a sunshine shining and birds all around, that she has cut out of construction paper and placed lovingly on my pillow, I actually contemplate for minutes on end the effort it would take me to fulfill her request. And I'm not even heavy yet.

Pregnancy does strange things to a woman's body. And the damage is different with each child. Volume that once lifted transfers to different areas, usually causing a general gravitational pull of skin to earth. You just start pointing collectively down. Your arm flab, your chin, your eyebrows, even your knees and what used to be your hamstrings. They point, grasping at the ground, reaching for it like it's the last drop of water on earth. And there you are the whole time with the same brain going, "what happened to me? I used to bounce and now I drag".

But that's the pay off. I guess we get to cuddle and nuzzle and get our etible rewards that come in little sacks of bones and organs called newborns. Which bundles turn into naughty 16 month old 'adults'. Seriously, when did that happen?

In other news, by Wednesday we should have an idea of what the heck is in my belly. Mutant boy or mutant girl? We shall see...

Rocking

She's small, and better than ice cream, but don't be fooled. Lillie is a hurricane and a couple of tornadoes thrown together. With lightning and thunder follow-up. The only time she quiets down is at bedtime.

I've rocked her to sleep since she was only first born and haven't gone many nights without it. Now that she's gotten older, she accepts my plop into the rocker with a full embrace. She lays there in my arms, in her little flannel blanket envelope, gazing at me. She's calm for the first time, her little pointer finger poking her own cheeks and binky and playing with my bottom lip.

I just wait. Rock and wait.

She gets heavier and slower until her eyes flutter closed and she lays in my arms like a brick. Usually I place her in her crib shortly after, but some nights I give her more inspection.

Last night I stared at her chubby face, her whispy hair just starting to thicken. I watched her suck her binky and I traced the long line of her calf, down to her ankle and her rapidly growing feet. Her toes twitched and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I hope something wonderful.

These are the times I will always remember.

Pudding and Baby

I could eat her and her pile of chubby toes for dinner. But that's off the subject. What I mean to say is I'm starting to feel better. Meaning I haven't thrown up in over a week. And I'm hungry, reallll hungry. When you're staring an impending 45-lb weight gain in the face, what do you do? Run and hide? No, no you don't. You face the music and start eating, honey. And that's what I am doing. Let me know if I have something in my teeth next time I see you, okay?

Meanwhile, Lillie is a messy eater. Apparently.

Changes

Say, for instance, that your pants don't fit anymore. What do you have left? Really think about it. A cotton skirt and a few sweats that you wear as pajamas, that's what. Do you get groceries wearing sweats? mm, maybe, or maybe you choose to stay home because you look like you're still wearing a halloween costume. And now that you're confined to your own home, folding laundry is out of the question because the couch has a magnetic pull that it didn't have before now. So, so odd.

On a lighter note, I live with her:

Thanks for the congratulations on our new baby coming. Thank you, thank you! You are so wonderful.

Letter to my baby

September 4th, 2009 was a big day, and among other things, we found out that we were pregnant with you. I squeezed it in there, between phone calls and errands, like an afterthought. Until I read that the test results were positive. And then I squealed with excitement. I hope you know someday that even though you're going to be our fourth baby, I still felt that thud in my heart and new air entered my lungs. Another baby. What a gift.

You will enter into a family that has love and emotion pouring through the windows and running down the walls. In the morning, there will be Lills and Rube right in your face, every minute of the day. Lillie will probably force her bottle or sippy cup into your mouth, but I will usually be there to protect you from injury. For the first few weeks you'll sleep and while you do, we will go every afternoon and pick up your sister Grace from school. She is the oldest and she will take care of you almost as much as I will. She will be your protector. She is practical and wise and makes responsible decisions. She won't fight with you much. Ruby will be your lover. She'll stroke your cheeks and kiss you within an inch of your life. She'll think fondly of you and plot ways to sneak your things away in the same moment. She's hilarious and will make you laugh numerous times per day. Lillie will be your biggest threat but your greatest friend. You'll roll around together in this crazy life, not knowing where she ends and you begin. You'll steal her toys and annoy her, but one day she'll make it very clear that she cannot live without your constant presence and support. She'll be a wonderful sister to you, just give her some time to adjust.

We don't know if you're a boy or a girl. We will find out November 18th and we're both extremely curious, but want to make this clear: we want you, no matter what you are. We want a noisy, clattery, whiny little girl just as much as we want our rough and tumbly boy. We consider you the greatest blessing in our life. I am 13 weeks along and you are making me very sick, but all it means is that you're sticking. That little body of yours, so bony and wormy in the ultrasound, is healthy and strong and you have a tiny beating heart that couldn't make me happier.

When you are young, you'll hear muddy conversations that don't make sense. Mommy will be forever busy and you'll jutt out from my arm like a baby kitten, waiting to understand this world you've been introduced into. Just wait. Just be patient. You'll come into your own soon enough. You are at no disadvantage, the rest of your family has paved the way and we are more than ready to take care of your needs.

Our decision to have you come as our fourth child is not one we took lightly. Four kids is a lot. For us, I think it's just right. We think you may be our very last baby and it makes me feel proud and lucky to be carrying just one more perfect blend of me and the love of my whole life, your daddy. We will raise the four of you to bring love, peace and understanding to the world. Yourselves, the greatest gift you can give, will be yours to share with people you meet along the way. Give it freely, but also be picky. You will have so many gifts, just like your sisters, and there are so many people that will need you as you will need them. Give things, time, and sacrifice all you can, and you will be happy and blessed.

Feel important, even though you are the youngest. Feel confident, even if you came last. You're our crown, our cherry on top.

We are happy little baby, and excited, and anxious. The moment you enter into this world, into our lives, into my life, will be one of the greatest things I ever achieve.

See you around May 10th.

Yours,

Mom.