I have a confession to make, Graciegirl. I kept you out of preschool longer than most people. I kept you out of swimming lessons, soccer practice, and gymnastics. I thought that if I kept your brain all to myself that you would be better off, and that I would be, too. I thought that if I could weather the tantrums, enjoy the happy times, break up fights with your sister, and make you peanut butter and jelly every day, my influence would reign supreme in your mind. That you would feel balanced and complete knowing only our world. The world with Mom, Ruby and most recently, Lillie.
But I know now that nothing I could do would keep you from this moment. This moment where your confidence and your passion for people and everything social would finally become a lovely, progressive, sequential blend. You arrived at this intersection today with the bravery and solidarity that only my 5-year-old could possess. And you hardly glanced behind. If you had, you would have found me, forcing a smile in place of a few years' worth of love and emotions.
You were quiet, and you held my hand. We walked slowly toward the entrance together. I pushed Lillie's stroller over the bumpy sidewalk, looked down at your hand in mine and considered it a great gift. It was a gift to be present when you came into our world, it's a gift to know you better than almost anyone else, and it's a gift to know that no matter where you go, your heart and soul belong to me.
I have a confession to make, Graciegirl. I kept you out of preschool longer than most people. I kept you out of swimming lessons, soccer practice, and gymnastics. I thought that if I kept your brain all to myself that you would be better off, and that I would be, too. I thought that if I could weather the tantrums, enjoy the happy times, break up fights with your sister, and make you peanut butter and jelly every day, my influence would reign supreme in your mind. That you would feel balanced and complete knowing only our world. The world with Mom, Ruby and most recently, Lillie.
But I know now that nothing I could do would keep you from this moment. This moment where your confidence and your passion for people and everything social would finally become a lovely, progressive, sequential blend. You arrived at this intersection today with the bravery and solidarity that only my 5-year-old could possess. And you hardly glanced behind. If you had, you would have found me, forcing a smile in place of a few years' worth of love and emotions.
You were quiet, and you held my hand. We walked slowly toward the entrance together. I pushed Lillie's stroller over the bumpy sidewalk, looked down at your hand in mine and considered it a great gift. It was a gift to be present when you came into our world, it's a gift to know you better than almost anyone else, and it's a gift to know that no matter where you go, your heart and soul belong to me.
26 comments:
Sarah, your posts always bring tears to my eyes, sometimes of laughter and sometimes your words rip at my heart. I can feel all the emotion you write with, and I'm jealous of that, I admit it, I always have been! You are amazing and I'm glad you are my friend! OH and P.S....good luck with that hurricane business!
The torture! The sadness! You are ripping my heart out. Gracie is beautiful and perfect. . . I think I mourned the entire first year that Ava went off to Kinder. Actually, every time they go back from being with me, the separation breaks my heart a little bit.
I've got all kinds of wetness around my eyes. You do this to me. What a sweet post for Grace's first day of school. Beautiful.
i barely shed a tear when my kids headed out to school - it was all to hectic and exciting - but this made me teary.
we love you grace - hope you had a good day. be extra nice to your mum, she's having a hard time!
So cute! I hope you had an okay day once she was gone. I don't doubt that she absolutely loved it!
such a great post. I know I will be proud and terrified when my little Ella starts kindergarten.
ps sarah you're so beautiful. I have always wanted freckles...I think they are gorgeous!
Sarah, you have such eloquence when you write, it almost always brings a tear to my eyes when you talk about your children, because we all feel that same love for our own. Seriously, you need a book deal.
Yes, now I know you are our impossible-but-possible?-long-lost-twin-daughter-to-Jenni! You described my mother's heart as only someone who shares our DNA could know! What a gift you are to your children--I love how you think Sarah Smylie!
My first child, a son, walked backward--out the door, down the sidewalk, and all the way down the street--still walking backward, he waved goodbye to me as I stood on the porch until we could not see each other as he rounded the corner. We teach our sons to leave us, so we are suppose to feel good inside when they no longer "look back"... but to me, he was not my "son" but my child.
My second child, a beautiful daughter (your sister) was a different kind of sweet pain--she was, after all, my little girl. Girls aren't suppose to leave their mothers--we just continue on, connected in that female way. She didn't "look back" because she knew that nothing was changing . . .I wonder, did my son know?
HISARAH
IAMBADDAY
by the way..I played basketball with Mandy and know wll the people you mentioned (played soccer with AnnDee)...small world!
Miss Smylie makes me smile and cry. that was so sweet. Love the uniform on Grace. what a sweetie.
what beautiful words for her to look upon one day. it makes the memory of that first day of school seem quite pleasant.
i hope she enjoyed it.
Oh the pain! I have until the 25th. I love your whole blog...the whole thing...I just went back and read posts I missed and I love all the stories! I hope you never stop writing! Alligator hunting! Crazy and yet Matt would be right there too! You must post a follow up to that one!
I love your writing! I'm glad you made it through the first day. We even gave you an extra day with her since you missed her so much. :)
I feel like I'll be sad and happy when Abby starts KG (5 years from now-lol). I'll be sad she's growing up hitting such a big milestone and happy because I can take her to school with me.
Yeah, I got teary reading this. You are a gift too, Sarah. I've never known a mother as in love with her children as you are. You inspire me to try harder to appreciate all the good times with my children (really savor them) and just laugh at all the bad times. Thanks for that.
where does writing like this come from? I'm not even a mom and I feel like I just dropped off my first child at school too.
You are incredible.
Thanks for sharing.
Gracie is a lucky lucky girl.
You should be a writer! Is there anything you ar enot good at! You are amazing! I love your posts!
Oh Sarah- kindergarden- you are so grown up. She is so grown up. And my Yahoo page says the hurricane remained just a storm so I'm assuming everyone's safe and sound?
As always. Beautiful post.
Oh my, the tears pool at the brink looking at these pictures. I can't express the depth of feeling. I can't ever get out of my mind the first day I took my sweet Sarah. It is like yesterday. Like a beautiful memory soft and sad. Very much on the surface still as I watch the photos, but cannot go anymore. Treasure all of this, Sarah and Jake, like a warm blanket kept for a cold day yonder. The grown up baby girl, my beautiful little Gracie.
Um, yeah. I am with you! I cried last year after I dropped Mariko off to preschool, pretty sure I will do it again this year. She absolutely LOVES it so that makes it easier but I just want my babies to STAY BABIES!
hisarah
Yeah Grace! what a big girl!
i'm so glad you are all safe. What did you do with the alligators?
Might be my favorite post. You two are gorgeous and I hope she had a great day. Was it as hard or harder than you expected?
Okay, so I am reading your blog when Kaitlyn walks in. She asks "where's Ruby?" I said I don't know. To her reply..."that's Grace." I say yes. She then yells "I LOVE (emphasis on love) Grace!" Now that is what I call special. They grow up too soon.
How amazing! ...what you wrote the pictures everything. This must have been such an emotional day for you! Grace looks really cute and happy!
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