For those of you who have children who have been in school, gone to high school, gone to college and beyond, forgive my faint heart, but I have a problem. I can't seem to let go. Grace hasn't gone to preschool for many reasons, the excuses including: she plays enough with kids during the week to save myself 100 bucks a month sending her to preschool, I didn't go to preschool, I am teaching her bit by bit at home, and she will be going to school straight through for about 13 years, so I thought I'd give her as much time off as I can before that starts. But the real reason is very hard to articulate. It has something to do with an invisible umbilical cord, and a fear of her being influenced strongly by people other than me. The explanation also includes things like, the appreciation I have for her shiny black hair and the way she fights for order in every situation, her plump lips when they set in frustration, and the way I UNDERSTAND all those things without explanation. There's a fear that something in her will be stifled by someone calling her a mean name or telling her she's not good at something. This sounds ridiculous, but I know no other way to explain it. So this year, Grace is going into Kindergarten. This strikes fear and panic in my heart. What if no one cares about her? What she gets lost on the way to the girl's bathroom and goes missing? What if the other kids are mean to her? What if she needs to talk to me and can't? What will happen during that long day that she will forget to tell me and will never be remembered? What if she gets embarrassed and has to go in the corner to have a little cry? Who will comfort her and tell her that everything's alright?
I went to Kindergarten and fell in love. With two boys. The three of us would play duck, duck, goose together and one of them even held my freckly little Sarah Jean Medley hand. Now that is a big step and my mother didn't know, or at least I don't think she knew about it. I want to KNOW about it. The ups and downs.
It's strange feeling vulnerable again. I felt this way when I brought her home from the hospital. What if she gets a fever or rash or a cold? What will I do then? What if she stops eating? Or stops breathing? What if I wake up and she's gone? All these questions were quickly answered and there was little thought that in five years I would be worried about much bigger things. Her little brain and her little heart, so untouched by the cruel outside world. What she knows now is that her parents are usually the bomb, that her grandparents adore her as well as her aunts and uncles, and that swimming and milkshakes constitute the past month and a half of our life.
But she can't stay in that world forever, I know that to be true. If she did, she'd never influence this massive population for the better. And that's why I'm raising my girls the best that I can-- so they can make the world better. I know she will thrive in school and really and truly love it, I just hope I can survive it all.
14 comments:
Sarah... that was so beautiful! You sure have a way of saying things that I really appreciate. I think it's so sweet that you worry for her the way you do out of pure love.
I feel your love and heart ache.
You keep her in cotton wool as long as possible...I remember sending Ailish to kindy for the first time and realising that I was no longer her world. xx
Sarah, you capture my thoughts almost perfectly too. Gage hasn't been to preschool either and I am so scared to send him to kindergarden. We still have another year but I know it will come and I will have to let him go. Primary was hard but it was church so I felt ok. school is different - especially public school - large classes, outside influences. I know it's good but why do they grow up so fast? I miss my babies.
oddly i wasn't afraid when they went off the kindergarten - they were so excited and ready to go that i felt like i didn't want to squash their exuburence! - for me, the fear came when caitlin headed off to junior high...i found myself wanting to pull those apron strings tighter and tighter... that's when i wasn't ready for her to be out there...with all those trashy looking girls and their overly-hormoned boyfriends with their potty mouths and wanton public displays of affection!!!!
gracie will do great - she'll come out at the other end one day amazed at her own strength and fortitude!!
Oh Sarah. I feel like you are three years ahead of me with your little girl and describing exactly what I will be feeling. The nervousness, the vulnerability, the knowledge that it has to come since they are such special little girls...
I cried for days when Hannah started pre k. I know it has been good for her this year but I hate the three hours a day that she doesn't spend with me. I am homeschooling for Kindergarten. We will be driving around the country and we won't be in one place long enough for her to go to school. I am excited for this next year- School in our pj's! lol
It's amazing Sarah, these feelings never change. I remember being so worried about my children going to school. My girls LOVED it and couldn't wait to go each day so that made it easier. But my Chandler, my only boy, the baby of our family...he cried every day and would tell me at night when I put him to bed, with tears in his big blue eyes, "But mommy, I miss you when I'm there". He did this through kindergarten and then in the beginning of first grade. It broke my heart. Happy to say, he has grown out of that and loves school. I thought all those feelings were over until now. My oldest baby is moving 1500 miles away. Living on her own, in a town full of people who don't know how sweet and naive she is. It is scary and I know it won't be the last time I have these exact same emotions. I guess it just comes with the job.
Oh, how I feel what you're feeling! I just want to save C from anything un-perfect. There is one thought that is comforting to me though. He will come home after a long day of who knows what, and I will be there for him. He will have something steady, stable and constant in his life. I just hope I can always offer him what he needs. Just take it one day at a time, and you'll be fine. You are one of the most patient and loving mothers I know. Honest.
Grace is YOUR daughter, which means she is strong, knows who she is, smart, and makes friends without batting an eye! She will be fine:) Just trust that those outside influences will only make her a stronger person, through the tears and the smiles!! You rock!
Oh, honey, it will all be okay. We all survived...??? Didn't we? And our mom's probably had the same fears, just as she will have those same fears for her children. So let her be a free little butterfly and enjoy the time that you will have to spend with Ruby cakes and baby. It makes it so FUN when they come home. I am glad they go away, so I appreciate them more when they come back...Let's admit it. Don't we ALL need a little break from each other? But AHHH, those words and sayings they pick up from school. My sister's daughter (same class as Olivia in K) has a boy in their class that called her a "sexy mamma"...where in the WORLD? She was told to tell him to wash his mouth out with soap...LOL.
You totally brought tears to my eyes sis! Thanks for sharing that. I can't imagine how hard that will be!
There's a part of me though, that is grateful whenever I'm sad that things are going to change. It just means that the past five years were good enough that you can miss them.
oh sarie, i feeeeeel your pain. Evidenced by my spontaneous tears while reading your post. I don't know what I'm going to do when Simone is that age. Luckily, you'll have another little one to stultify the dull ache of Grace trying out her Kindergarten wings. It's like the nastiest joke of the universe: to give you a sweet, pure, lovely little being and then demanding you eventually give them up to the big-bad-world. But, we survived. didn't we? that's all i keep telling myself. I liked it, so she should too. !!! xoxo
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