Artists and Truffles.

Little boingy, dirty foot up in the air. Gorgeous.

Mornings with just Tadi.

Lillie's smile when she knows I'm watching.

Her deliciousness when she doesn't think I'm around.

I mean, those lips. Am-I-right? Get out of town, Lillie.

Sittin' on the dock of the bay....

The "Dream Team", or better: "Cheech and Chong".

Holding my babies by the light of the morning.

Hot day, no air. But we have a TV! And removable cushions.

Health food.

Nana requested head shots for a photo wall she's doing and as soon as I started taking them I knew they were way overdue! Love seeing our family's individual faces. Thank you to Grace for taking mine.

Ah.... How does one sit down and congregate a billion thoughts, catch 'em while they're swimming and quilt them into something coherent? It's tough. But I miss this. Writing, recording, recalling the little things. 

First off, I'd like to announce Grace's movement into adulthood. She talks like one, moves like one and jokes like one. She talks to other moms like she is one. She does that knowing laugh, like she has extensive life experience and is about to offer it to a 35-year old friend of mine. She "gets it". She holds other people's babies. She knows what "kids can be like" with an eye-roll and a snicker and quickly finds common ground with a minutes-new friend. It's amazing and magic. She'll even do it with other Dads. She does not fear people. She engages them so smoothly they are off-put that a girl could be so friendly and I like to watch them recover from the unexpected. 

She needs me, that Graciegirl. Every day. And I love it. She fits perfectly under my chin. We cheer together for her triumphs (all the multiplication problems done in under 5 minutes! Trying new food!). In the short time she's been at school she has reported to me that she is quite good at handball, she's overcoming her fear of jumping into a game of basketball and she has made many loving friends. Things are going well for her.

I was walking the girls home from school the other day and for the second time in a week, this gorgeous little boy tapped Ruby on the shoulder and said, "See you tomorrow, Ruby!", his brown eyes all lit up with charisma. Asked Dubies his name and she had absolutely no clue. Clearly, this boy adores her and she doesn't even know his name. That's our Rube. 

Today I taped up paper for the girls and a couple friends to paint. Eagerly, each girl got started with their own pallet of colors and ideas. Over some time, Grace and her 9 year old friends were done painting their first pieces (a cupcake, sunset and peace signs). Ruby's project was still under way and we all walked over to observe over her shoulder a detailed portrait of a blue mccaw perched on the branch of a tree, with a radiant sun shining on its feathers. Beautiful and full of shape and precision, our little arty girl was deep in the throws of creation. I love her beyond the sky.

Lillie and I have a more understanding and appreciative relationship than we ever have. We've been through the ringer. I've had times in the spring when I was so wrought with despair over her that I'd just break down completely, unable to see a way to improve the situation. She is difficult but I failed for a long time to see that I could change and do better. When I was finally humble enough to change, the difference was immediate. I think Lillie sensed that I opened myself up more to her. I listened, stayed calmer (I still get frustrated, only a bit less now) and made a huge effort to take the time to let her brain run its course. 

We still have our hard days but that little Lillie is still teaching me things, just as she did on the very day she was born. I was terrified that day and I still am, but am determined to be calmer and try harder. She is in love with preschool and having that for her has been a major improvement in her demeanor. I have noticed it has also changed how she interacts with other kids at the park as well. She introduces herself now and I can see her maturing daily. If I can just break her addiction to wheat thins I might feel better about her diet. 

Oh, my dearest Tada. I try not to gush unequally about my little ones, but seriously Tada is my treat, a squishy little chocolate truffle that has major trouble with consonants. She is delicious in every way and I have a hard time saying no to her. We have time alone now a couple of days a week and it is delightful! She is fun and exciting to hang out with. Every dog she sees is like Mickey Mouse dressed up and is being led by a leash down the street! DODDY!!!!!!!!! Wanna PET DODDY MOMMY! 

When she gets out of the car she is in a dreaded routine where she wants to do everything by herself and it really peeves me because she is my last baby, and I don't need her to be independent. It's not becoming! So I BEG her as I open the car door if I can carry her. She appeases me rarely but when she does, she closes her eyes and smiles against my chest as I cradle her into the house. Makes my day. She has me and Daddy in a corner and she knows it, we know it. That's the truth and I'm not ashamed. 

So here we are, a family of girls working toward the good of the world and the good of each other. 

There are days when I don't think I can do it all. Like, every day.

It is the strangest thing to move from one moment to another, having completely opposite emotions regarding motherhood. One moment, wanting to run out the door, down the street, jump onto a boat and sail away for awhile, with the silence and gentle tossing of the ocean as my rhythm. 

The next moment, I lie on the couch clutching one of my babies in my arms, knowing... KNOWING FOR CERTAIN that having this family is all I've ever wanted. 

Tadi putting back half-eaten apples.

Painting with friends. If you're the youngest, you get to paint your body instead of the paper.

Little sister follows.

Look! Tadi's boarding!

Out to breakfast.

Nervous.

NO PROBLEM.

Oldest baby!

Legoland!

Put on Lillie's "Mimmuit" and wants to go "mimming".

Show and tell, ecstatic!

Had to take this spoiled thing to McDonald's upon request. "Wanna go McDonalshh ree bad!"

Waiting for a wave to come in on a calm night. Jake and his friend Greg.

Tree climbin'.

Loves it there!

Your neighborhood nightmare. The noisy "shoes optional", "loud music dance party whenever",  "parents yell a lot at bedtime", "girls will peek in your open garage" family. 

Bits of News.

On a random day a week or two ago, I snapped a few shots of my babies lying around the house. Wednesday is our grocery day, so all summer these little gangsters have been coming with me. It is FUN times. Their clothing and faces this particular day needed to be documented. 

Grace and Ruby started school on Wednesday. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and I'm not trying to be dramatic. I watched their skinny little necks crane at the morning assembly, taking in every new sight. A new school, completely new kids and teachers. Out of their element. I wanted to scoop them up and run for the hills, but number one, I'd probably get stuck in traffic on the 5 on my way out of town. Number two, my girls need to do hard things. They need to grow and I know that. But geeeeez, their tiny little faces are just too much.

The first day went well, they told me. Kids can be kind and this school is no different. I started breathing again when they were back in my arms that afternoon. Believe me when I say I've been looking forward to school starting and them having socialization and schedule. Just didn't plan on it being so hard to let them go. 

Lillie finally got called from a waitlist for preschool and will start next week. She is beyond thrilled. It's all she talks about. Her eyes disappear into a toothy grin about any preschool-related topic. Any apprehension on my part is doused by her unbridled excitement. 

I must say.... that Tada is a parent's greatest little treasure. She's got the best sense of humor and tells jokes, "Banana poopoo? ha ha ha", "babydiaperapples? ha ha ha". She is soft and squishy. She has my flat feet, knocky knees, and looks the most like me. My two favorite things are when she runs or when she rolls her eyes. She also does those two things together. 

Walking the girls to and from school turns into a nature appreciation session with Lillie and Tadd in tow. It's ridiculous! With weather in the mid-eighties we stop every few feet to look at the ants and the bees and the flowers, I am running defense trying to keep them out of the street, and by the time we get there I've got sweat dripping down my weary back. But hey, they've poked every snail's feelers in for a quarter mile and THAT'S an accomplishment.

Last night at the beach was beautiful. Perfect weather but the waves were pretty rough. We brought a boy from Grace's class with us and she was going to teach him how to surf. I was afraid the waves were too rough, but she dragged her surfboard out there, caught the first wave and quickly stood up, riding it all the way in like an all-star while the boy looked on. I was so proud of her. She told me later how much they have in common (they both like apple cider). I both love and hate seeing her enthralled with a boy. 

Sigh. 

Recent Instagrams:

Going to Costco.

Me and my grandparents.

Day before school starts.

Natural History Museum

Second and Fourth Grade!

Preschool! 

Tada got to sit by her for a few minutes.

Beach after school on Fridays. 

^^Tada and Ruby reading before bed. Ah, the love the emanates from this room when these two girls are together... (well, most of the time).

What do you do when you move to a city where you don't know a soul? You get a lot of quality time with your kids! It's a jumble of good, bad, wit's end, head-exploding, have-to-go-to-the-beach-to-stop-the-fighting, learning, appreciating and listening better. 

Good news is, the girls have taken up surfing. Walking out to the beach is now a full-blown circus. Four little ones, three surfboards, a boogie board, two chairs, a few towels, a bag, life jackets, a sand bucket and several shovels. And Tada when she plants her feet and refuses to walk. 

But we get out there and stay 'til bedtime. We get home and Jake rinses and hangs wetsuits, lifejackets, swimsuits and towels. I trudge upstairs and extract sand from four girls' hair. They are spent and lift their dinner forks slowly to their mouths and bad attitudes and stink eyes are prevalent. 

Then, it's up to bed. They sleep in just t-shirts since it's August and there is no air conditioning here. There is sand on their sheets, always, so I spread a blanket across each of their mattresses so I don't have to take their sheets off and shake them every night. 

The calmness that descends on our family at this time is what I live for. Their chests rise and fall and I think back on the day, how it races by until this moment when time stops and all is quiet. I do what my mother always did, wipe the counters, clean the dishes, straighten the chairs, make small talk with Dad. I remember hearing their voices, just like mine and Jake's, laughing quietly together as I went to sleep as a little girl. 

Today's a new day and as I write this, the girls are playing babies in the garage. I glanced in a few minutes ago and they had 8 baby dolls lined up on Jake's work bench and a full plan of activities lined up for them. 

Need to go break up some fights now --

This week in Instagrams:

Like Yesterday.

(The girls playing fairies ^^)

The past couple of nights I have taken the older girls on Mommy-Daughter dates. These include quality time, but boiled down, they are blocks of time wherein I spoil them. Now this goes against my attitude that time spent is better than money spent. But if we're doing both? And if it's at Target? Fine by me. 

So I take them out and we pick out a few new things for the upcoming school year. 

Grace, on her night, had a billion things going on in her head. Each step, each direction, each word she says is calculated and controlled. She patronizes me and my suggestions and politely declines the things she doesn't want or care about. She's in the dressing room, and pulls on a cute new red shirt. She stands in front of the mirror then, tall, her black shiny hair falling over her shoulders and framing her face. She turns back and forth, back and forth, and smiles her smile.  

I feel that tightness in my throat, the same thing I felt the day of her birth as I held her in my 23-year-old arms. How could I love a child so much? And how is she nine now, each day and each year stepping more of her feet into this big world? 

She and I have a banter when we are out together alone. We laugh so often, when all the stress of the day melts and it's just her and I, and she is truly one of my best friends. She supports and comforts me every day without me trying or asking her to. 

Last night was Ruby's turn. She and I have talked in length about the oceans. No matter how fast the earth spins, or the fact that our planet is round, its water stays strongly attached. "Why does it not barrel full speed into the emptiness of space?", we ask each other. She recently told me that I'm earth and she's the ocean and there's no way that she could ever leave me. I looked into her eyes then, and couldn't look away. 

Ruby's IS whimsy and it shows in a store like Target. There is no fixation, no plan. Her mind wanders and I can talk her in and out of things so easily. We decide on some bright-colored jeans. She walks back and forth in the dressing room, her hands flat to her hips and her hair stretching almost to her waist. She pokes out her tummy and twists back and forth as she admires her new pants. Yes, she says. Let's get them. 

She and I have our own language and we speak it almost the entire night. There is neck tickling after almost every sentence she says. I can't help myself. She's the baby that will forever and ever be a baby to me. We park on our street, exhausted. What a grand time we've had. I walk toward our little house and breathe in the night sky and feel the weight of motherhood upon me. That feeling of responsibility for these little hearts and minds, it's staggering. 

Grace and Ruby are in that stage where they are an absolute joy. They are helpful and talkative and enjoy life so much. They are still home with me every day and they don't look too far outside our little world. I savor this time as if it will end tomorrow, because I know that's what this time will feel like. Like yesterday. 

Tadd, etc.

Tada talks like an Indian brave.

Tada. Out. Bed.
Daddy. No. Munch (lunch).
No. Bebe (Ruby). Hit.
Tada. Dink. Jush!

Right now I'm hunkered in her bedroom, sandwiched between Lillie's curly head of hair and her younger sister who is practicing every antic she has learned in her 2.2 years to keep herself awake. She is the baby of the family, after all.

This place, northern San Diego County, has got to be pretty close to paradise. I walk out onto the beach each day, laden with towels and things, the breeze and beauty assaulting my senses. I cannot believe this is our life. We stay until close to bedtime most days, little awareness of the passage of time. The tides fear no person and there is great comfort in watching a beach full of people tiptoe around the sea's force and rhythm.

We meet so many people, each day, each week, weathered by the sun and accustomed to life down here. They are extremely friendly and happy.

There is sand in our beds, the kitchen, the garage, the car. It really is the best permanent vacation of our lives.

I have taken most of my photos with my iPhone recently for Instagram and now can use the Blogger app to get them here easily. I looked back on my blog the other day and got stressed out about how much I HAVEN'T documented. Ever since we moved I have felt like I can't catch up.

But I'm determined to, one of these days when the sun stops shining so much!