Matilda Mae.

My Tadd is so precious to me. I went in and kissed those warm cheeks tonight. She and Lillie share that little bedroom together. Their breathing was soft and low. They spend so much of the day trying so hard to LIVE, that when they sleep, they are heavy and still by contrast.

Sigh.

My little ones.

Sunday Photos.

Jake and his girls, always, always, surrounding him.

Ruby and Lillie played outside yesterday. They spread fruity pebbles all over the cement. I want to remember forever the way their voices sounded. Lillie's lisp mixed with Ruby's "mom voice" pretending Lillie had the flu and Ruby was her mom, caring for her. Ruby made her a bed, supplied a water bottle and a plate (for puke) and lots of pillows. A book in case she got bored, and some cereal (as you can see). They played like that for two hours!

Lillie gets it now. She doesn't push so hard against them. She wants to connect to her world in a different way.

We were driving home yesterday at around 6 pm. All the girls were crying. As we drove up the hill to our neighborhood, they all had tears rolling down their faces for different reasons. Talking didn't help, music didn't help, they just kept on spewing madness. Emotional little girls. They were upset, things are unfair in their lives! They don't get enough! They are deprived! Jake and I were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe...

This might be happening right now....

Grandpa Dee and Grandma Jeannie.

My grandparents came through town for a bit and we all met at my cousin's house. They live in California and I miss them terribly. I love the way my grandma gently pushes the hair behind my ear, and the way my grandpa smiles that crafty smile. They're so much a part of me.

This is on my birthday, about 20 years ago...

Beautiful friend.

This morning was hard with her. But now she's quiet. Watching Strawberry Shortcake and eating Ritz. I can breathe... and it's nice to gaze at her beauty in still shots. I took these the other day when she was waiting at the window for someone to arrive.

Sunday Photos.

It's nothing but pure craziness in my house, but it's also fun, riotous living. Every day is another round of bombs.

Tada is a teaser. This is a talent she has developed in the last several months. She teases Lillie relentlessly and it is not very well received (ex: drips juice on her, closes the door on her, takes her chips and runs away, takes her toys and runs away). And if someone teases Lillie, screaming ensues and my quality of life is compromised. So not cool, Tada!

Lillie is liking her time when the girls are in school to be my little friend. She puts an exclamation point on my day, whether or not I need one!

Grace is the same as always. Averaging some good days, some teenage-esque attitude and some brilliance. She's highly organized and lets me hold her like a baby whenever possible, complete with thumb-sucking.

Ruby is one big beating heart. She lives and dies for love and bursts with love notes and affection.

Here is her latest pair of notes for me:

I am constantly amazed at these human-gifts I share my life with. Here goes another week!

My Matilda -- New Boy...

{Latest newborn love here}

Twins, babies, marriage.

Above: Hannah carrying her twins in the Moby wrap.

I love my baby twins! Whenever Hannah brings them over I start talking in a high-pitched voice and generally don't stop. They're just so adorable and very new still. They move and sound and sleep like newborns!

A friend and I were talking today as we watched our four children (each) run around the children's museum at the Gateway. We both felt done. I never thought the desire for another baby would wane, or fade, or ever be gone. I didn't think it possible. But it has faded substantially. Of course, the curiosity of what another one of mine would be like is still there, but my arms do not hunger like they used to. I love babies still, every last inch of them. It has taken a long time to get here, but I feel good. I feel full. I feel used up, in a good way.

Meanwhile, my sister is going out of her mind trying to manage her household going from one child to having three! I'm glad I have room in my arms to help out when I can!

I saw this picture on Jake's computer today:

He and I. He asked me if I remembered who we used to be "back then". I started crying... Yes, yes, of course I remember. We have come so many miles and been through so much together since then. The change and the growth and the joy and the pain is almost too much to think about. What a great life this is. And I'm so glad I can share it with him.

Sunday Photos.

Where are these girls' parents? Do their father and mother KNOW how infinitely important they are? Do they have enough people in their lives that love them? Will they have the things they need in their life?

It's a lot of pressure... I hope we measure up.

Waddle and Bite.

Some days... I mean, most days... are so hard... I don't know how women have done this for thousands upon thousands of years. There are days when I just don't think I can do it anymore. Of course, it ebbs and flows. Of course I am grateful. Of course I know I am giving my children my love and time, as much of it as I can, and I know it's good for them.

But holy cow.

My brain is not my own. My time is not my own. My sanity is not my own. It's getting drop kicked and right-hooked.

Most days I wait for the nanny by the front window. And she never comes. I stare at the wall asking it for help and it doesn't budge :) I call my mom or my sisters and ask them how THEY survived or are surviving. Sometimes I call friends and we dream of peace. Of quiet. Of a tranquil beach holiday. Of help.

But there's something we have in common, mothers. No matter how much we'd love for things to be easier, for there to be easy answers and formulas that worked day after day, for our children to handle things reasonably, we ALL wouldn't have it any other way. We all are so deeply, irrevocably in love with our babies.

Like, today. Tada walks around like she owns the place. It's all about her. She's constantly hitting and loves to sink her teeth DEEP into whatever part of my skin is available. And if it's not available, she goes through clothing. She does the funniest fake laugh, it kills me every time.

When I was trying to get some work done and Tada came up to me and screamed (her normal mode of communication, because hey, it works!) and tugged at my pants. She wanted more goldfish crackers in her snack cup. She still had her snuggly ducky jammies on and she was waddling around, with a dribble of drool on her bottom lip, messy hair, big blue/gray eyes. I couldn't HELP but smile. It came with no notice, like a reaction. An impulse.

I truly, truly love my life. With all the tears and frustration and ridiculousness, I love it.