Sunday Photo.

I still can't get over the fact that I can take a photo with my camera and upload it immediately... now it's here.. documented. It was that easy. I was meant to live in the age of the internet!

Grace: Last night Jake took Grace to a Jazz game. She was dancing and cheering so well she made it on that big screen (Jake says it's called a jumbotron?) where they show members of the crowd. Daily she tells me I'm great. She doesn't have to, but she does. She's so tall and grown up now but she'll saunter over to me and curl up like a bug in my arms. She'll put her head right in my neck and it's my absolute favorite thing.

Ruby: Two nights ago I went to her bed to kiss her goodnight. I laid my head on her chest, she wrapped her thin arms around my neck and whispered into my hair: "you'll always be mine". It was so beautiful, I almost collapsed. We have used that phrase now all weekend. It just fits so well...

Lollie: She's communicating so much better. It's helping her overall behavior, too. Over the weekend a nice man walked up to her and started joking with her. He asked her a bunch of questions and she answered, smiling and giggling. He said, "You are so precocious. Can you say precocious?" She wrinkled up her nose and with a straight face she said, "No I don't! Ah don't talk to me!"

Tada: Sun still rises and sets in the folds of her neck. We kiss her all day and especially now since she's so mobile and thinks she's so in charge of her life. Jake and I are nervous. It's around this age or a little older that babies start showing their "true personalities". We're on the edge of our seats to see if she has Lillie's fire...

This is called a "Mom Mauling".

It's what happens every time I lay on the floor... these two go into full body attack. They are only momentarily distracted before they once again zero in on the prize.

Man.. today was a DAY. Jake is out of town for work and the emotions in our house ran high... ran a marathon, in fact. Some days, I really think I wasn't cut out for this. Like maybe I was meant to be in International Relations, traveling around, seeing sights, listening to the hum of a jet engine or drinking a red bull in between business meetings in my pin-striped chick suit. Using a different part of my brain...

I prepared to be a mother all those years and now, in the thick of it, I question my ability for managing chaos. I'm a lover of peace. And there are moments of it. But twice as often, moments of chaos so intense my brain starts to disintegrate.

It's not half bad. And I think most people understand that. But I want to be honest. Especially to those with young children. Let's take a collective sigh, together: tomorrow is a new day and children are forgiving. And if I can just reach deep enough I know there are some wells of strength and patience I deserve to draw from.

This time is so short, when they're young. When they squawk and scream and squeal and need and bite and pinch and cry. I, among everyone else, hug my babies close with stinging eyes as I tuck them into bed. They are growing up. So fast. And all this struggle, all this hard-ness that I call my "stay at home mom" days will pass so quickly. Like my childhood. Like high school. Like college. Like my almost ten-year marriage. Flying by like a bat at twilight. Waning. Disappearing. A memory in its place.

I sit here wanting more than anything to deserve my babies. To look them in the eye and tell them I am doing everything in my power to be the mother they deserve. After all, I brought them here. I accepted the responsibility. It's time for endurance. For patience. For speaking kindly. For leaving my phone and computer. For grabbing them, one by one, and letting them know how utterly important they are to me.

{Starting tomorrow.}

Update: Caroline passed away late last night... What an amazing woman.

Keep Caroline Rober in your thoughts and prayers tonight as she begins to leave this world. My whole body aches for them. Click here to read and leave a comment if you can.

Lollie.

I think there will be a small group of photos in my life that I will truly, deeply appreciate. Because they mean something so real and so raw, I could never forget them. This is one. Thanks Jake for snapping this on Saturday. Me and my Lollipop. We travel miles and miles together each day.

I also posted some maternity photos on MyMatilda Blog... Waiting for Babies... Two maternity sessions from two women whose births I'm photographing in March (and for one I'm wearing a GoPro HD head camera!).

Sunday Photo.

I could snatch them up, take a private plane to a Montana ranch and settle into a tiny little house with a fireplace... live there forever... have some animals... sew them quilts... bake bread every day...


Grace: She got my make up out today. Spread it out in front of her and made some real decisions. Colors, textures, brushes. She had all the girls pick nail colors and cheek shimmer and lipstick. She looked beautiful with her painted face. She does everything for me. She carries Tada around like her own. And after all these years, from 18 months to 7.8 years old... she still pretends she's a puppy.

Ruby: She emoted a lot this week. Screaming, crying, stomping, glaring. I scold her and when her big chunky tears begin to fall I have no choice. I hug her and I hold her. There's no choice involved. My arms open and my hands pull her to me. She has incredible power.

Lillie: Today was another one of those days, we loved and we lost. So many battles with her as the victor. At one point Jake had to run away from her. Run down the hall. Her demands were just too unreasonable for him to satisfy. She's a tyrannical queen and at the end of the day, our beaten hearts swell with adoration of her ferocity.

Matilda: She learned to clap this week. She thinks she's the trickiest thing. She also sniffs loudly through her nose (pictured above). It's her way of saying, "hi". She waves "bye, bye" and tries to pull herself up on everything. That trick ends with head bonks, poor little babe. The older girls go to bed before her and Jake and I spend some baby time with her at night. We exclaim many many things but mostly, how much we love that little thing.

All you need.

Thank you for the comments and compliments, for the site feedback, for the emails, facebook posts, facebook likes and blog posts. Thank you for all the support! I am beyond humbled. This project has been working its way out of me for a long, long time and I finally came to a point in my life where I could make it work. So, thank you.

Speaking of work... I am constantly amazed how our men work so hard... how we can marry them as young twenty-somethings, not knowing exactly what they signed up for. I doubt that Jake fully realized that someday, ten years later, he will work at the office until 8, getting tacos on the way home, and five minutes after he kisses his daughters' little heads goodnight, he'll set up his workstation at the teeny kitchen table.

Eyes stinging and cheerios crunching under his feet, he writes trucking schedules and orders materials. He feels the pressure and meets it head-on. He's the un-sung hero to four little girls who will one day believe, with all their hearts, that their daddy can do no wrong.

Life is tougher than we expected. But we have each other and we have our girls. Healthy, strong and thriving.

Long ago, Jake told me this song was ours... and I've loved it ever since.

Introducing...

MyMatilda: Nurture | Life. --- Documentary photography for mothers and others.

I have worked on this project for a few months now, and I'm excited to finally be open for business!

Please visit www.mymatilda.com, MyMatilda facebook page, and MyMatilda blog.

MyMatilda provides two types of sessions: Nurtureshoot and Lifeshoot.

Nurtureshoot: (two hours of photography) Centered around every-day home life. I specialize in natural shots (I give limited direction). I photograph you as you take care of your children, do homework, read to them, cook for them, hug and kiss them, get them dressed, do their hair. The results are astounding. Pieces of art are created. Women are changed. Proof is present that motherhood is absolutely stunning in its beauty and grace.

Lifeshoot: (three hours of photography) Centered around a life event. I specialize in Birth and Graveside photography, both of which are sacred and private events. I come with sensitivity intact. My life has been changed from receiving these types of shoots, and I understand the importance of having these events documented well.

MyMatilda offers very unique products including collages on gallery wrap canvas, custom-designed leatherbound books printed on fine quality photographic material. Single prints and digital images are also available.

I invite you to be a part of this... And if you don't book a shoot, spread the word! If you have questions, ask away. 

About MyMatilda:

My own Matilda was born my fourth daughter. Bright and lovely, she opened her eyes. She took my breath away, and the priceless photographs that were taken showed me my power and presence. But what about the following weeks and months? In my home that I love, with my family that I love. I wanted more documentation, more proof that my everyday life was nothing less than timeless beauty.

So I set out to fix this.

I document your treasury... your life. This validation will change you, rendering you finally aware of your life story's goodness and value. The toil that goes without notice or reward. Your face as you gaze uninhibited on your loved ones. That is the height of beauty. That one glance that says wisdom, heartbreak and ultimate happiness. The curtain falls and there you are, real.

That's all I ask.

Ordinary.

These two are so much alike...

Very particular. Easy to anger. Possessive. Headstrong. Determined. Memories like a vice. Not too good at bedtime.

In other news, today was an ordinary day. What do I remember? Lillie didn't scream too much. Every time we arrived home from a school pickup or errand, she wanted to be naked. She stripped down and got her swimsuit out of her drawer and wore it most of the day. 

Grace practiced the piano. She's so musical. She told us that she sees music in art, in color. When she sees blue, she hears classical music. I really love her brain.

Ruby drew a picture for me and wrote, "My Mama..." "I wish I can be with you all day and that you can be with me all day too". She wrote on the front, "[look at this] every day win I'm at school". She asks me every day when she gets home if I looked at my card. Always, always, I say yes.

Matilda. If there were words to describe... even with sleep deprivation from that little piece of bone pushing through her top gums, she is a joy and a pleasure. Funny how much more I appreciate her baby-ness when many have come before.

Jake helped me with some things tonight. He made the funniest jokes. That laughter, the one where I close my eyes and tip my head back... it feels so good. I think it's going to be a really good week.

Sunday Photos

Today some good people at church discussed what they were grateful for. Everyone was telling-- of this and that and more of other things. The only thing that came to my mind were my four babies. They were four things, 1-2-3-4. There was nothing else. Nothing was even close to the platform that these things hold. They are beyond precious, they are stars, galaxies, precious gems mined from the deepest core of this chunky earth.

I am so truly, tearfully grateful for my girls.

.......................................................................

I have a project in the works. A brand new undertaking. One that my heart won't let go. I have worked on it many hours and I'm ready to launch this week. Check back here for more news!

Today's.

Today's moon brought to you by Lillie.