MyMatilda--- A Funeral

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Beauty and Bombs.

They get more gorgeous as time goes on... their faces changing over and over again.

This last baby is the surprise... she's SO bossy lately! She went from the perfect baby a few months ago, laying in the middle of the floor, no complaints, calm classical music playing as her soundtrack, to a screaming, wrestling, aggressive little bomb. She screams to communicate. And my brain throbs. But she's so CUTE at the same time. And when she's tired from all the screaming and wrestling, she still lets me swaddle and rock her.

If she would just let me, I'd chew on her all day.

Sunday Photos.

Bodies that hold souls. That's what I see. Their bodies and faces trailmaps of who they are, where they are going. And the souls... they are valuable beyond my comprehension.

It's like when I found out that just one tiny speck in the night sky held 10,000 galaxies, each holding billions of stars. Suns, just like our own. And a billion! Like a box inside a box inside a box inside a box.

Well that's how I feel about the depth and fluidity of these girls' souls. It shrugs off human description and leaves me panicked to find ways to explain.

I will hold fast and tight to the ones I love. Their importance reaches past my understanding.

Bring me home.

The grown-up girl is sitting there, playing with a little-girl princess toy. She took her pants off because they were stuffy. So she sits there in her underwear. Playing.

The world will swallow her whole. But not if she doesn't let it.

She's beauty and spice and a warm drink and some vinegar.

She opens me up. The majority of the time, she hoists me on her shoulders, clasping my hands as we wade through truth, tragedy and hundreds of normal days.

My girls bring me home.

They make being me possible.

My parents with my children...

They gave me life, they gave me love and acceptance and taught me to do the same. I love them with all the unexplainable devotion a human can muster.

They drove home today... in fact, they're about an hour away right now, winding up the coast on the rain-soaked highways of California.

There was a new baby born into the Smylie family yesterday. Jake's sister, Sarah had a boy at around 11 p.m. They're in Florida, so I am very sad to say that I missed it.... and I can't see him right now, but he is healthy and beautiful.

Another miracle.

Another Miraculous Birth.

Click here to see the rest!

Chris and Jouni.

Hello. How was your weekend?

Ours was really good. On Sunday we went to see Jake's aunt Chris and uncle Jouni in the MTC. They're leaving on an LDS mission to Finland. Jake has a lot of extended family who live in Australia and this is his aunt and uncle who met me and our children for the first time! It was so nice to see them!! (And I know it's not the best picture of us, but it was taken by a freshly-turned-19-missionary, so whatever...)

My parents are also in town to see my new nephew Finn and so my Dad and I took a quick trip to Rexburg to see my sister Naomi play a symphony concert. It was fantastic!

I'm back home and getting my bearings.

I'm going through a period of time in my life where I'm looking inward. To myself and my family. I'm getting rid of the superfluous and time-gobbling things...  It makes it more difficult to find the motivation to blog. But the reason I blog is for my children and so I am still here! :)

When I was in California, my parents gave me a journal they kept about me when I was little. There were only about 20 entries in it. I hung on every word I read as we drove down the windy redwood highway. And that made me think how valuable these records are for our children. How it's like looking through a window to their younger selves. I'm committed to giving them this same gift, and expanding on it with photos and daily gems.

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And please, Spring, if you can hear me, COME!!!!!!

Eureka, CA.

I have so much to say... and don't know where to begin. I'll start out by saying, Jake and I and the girls drove 18 hours just to get to Eureka, California, my hometown. It usually takes 14 but with kids, much longer.

Have you ever wondered if you have any deep reservoirs of patience? Do you wonder if you have what it takes to make it through a traumatic experience and come out in one piece? Well get in the car with your kids and take a really long road trip. That'll do it. That'll teach you what your strengths and weaknesses are! But for the most part, it was nice to be together. For better or worse.

About an hour from Eureka, while Jake drove us through the redwoods up the coast, I answered the phone call from my parents that said the graveside service that was supposed to be that day was cancelled. Because of the earthquake in Japan (so, so terrible) a large part of the coast was under a tsunami warning. Businesses, such as mortuaries, were not permitted (by F.E.M.A.) to conduct their usual business. The mall and most other places were closed.

A huge bummer.

It was, however, really nice to spend some quiet family time in the funeral home talking about my Grandmother. She was a fantastic lady, full of incredible vigor and laughter and music.

We were only in Eureka for a short time and squeezed in as much as we could.

I hadn't been home in 6 years. I had missed it so much. I walked in my parent's house and immediately started crying. Everything I saw and touched was beautiful. My mom's nicknacks and wall hangings and books that she's had since before I was born, every single thing reminded me of my childhood and each one carried a million memories.

It was so good for my soul to be home. I reflected on myself quite a bit. I was just so happy to be there. Everything in that town is such a part of me. The grass and the constantly wet ground, the cold wind, the rain, the trees. It's all so beautiful.

My girls loved being there and exploring their Grandma and Grandpa's house. My brother and sister still live at home and are incredible with our kids.

Until next time---