So I asked my neighbor Monica to trim Lillie and Tada's hair while we took Ruby out on her birthday date (by the way, she turned 10!!).

I picked them up and got home... all the girls were just brushing their teeth, getting ready for bed, etc.... I was washing the dishes while Jake talked to me about the day and birthday girl.

I finally went upstairs to get changed into my jammies and noticed some hair in the trash can of the bathroom! I found out that Lillie cut Tada's hair! I was mad and confronted Lillie and sort of let it go.

This morning when I woke up Tada I brought it back up and said, "Tada why did you let Lillie cut your hair??"

She said, "I didn't want her to!"

I said, "why didn't you run away??"

She said, "Cause I was going potty!"

I was dying laughing at this point because I realized Lillie cut Tada's hair while Tada was sitting on the pot!

Funniest story ever! I was laughing so hard. What perfect, nutty little girls! Love them. Despite the bad haircuts!

xo Mama

I said goodbye to my sister a short hour ago. She and her husband Sean left with the kids after a half day's visit (all that's allowed). Never long enough. She comes to San Diego every year and it's almost too much to see her because I get too sad and miss her too much.

We had such a great New Year's. Stayed downtown again at the Embassy Suites. We walked in and the hotel was under construction. The happy hour was FREEZING as we ordered our drinks because it was a construction zone. Meanwhile Grace was shoving (hoarding) crackers in her sweatshirt and I was laughing about that. Ruby was saying she gets a headache every time she smells alcohol and I was laughing about that, too. Tada was on the floor for some reason. Lillie was being a good girl eating her bowl of potato chips and celery. Then the wanted to GO TO THE POOOOOOLLL. So we went up and changed and headed down with all the other parents in the hotel to the frickin pool. It was 40 degrees out but kids wanna swim, dammit!

I sat with Jake and enjoyed our free life we have. The San Diego bay was right next to us, we had had a great 2014 and we were headed in a great direction. We went back up to the room and the kids were bugging of course but we tried to break up the fights and keep things calm. Watched a lot of TV. When it struck midnight we all kissed and then collapsed into bed for a pseudo bedtime (took about 45 minutes!)

I love my family no matter how tough.

xo

Lilliegirl

Last night when I was reading with Lillie for her homework, she said "I LOVE reading!!!". I nearly died. It has been a long road with her during kindergarten and combating her stubbornness and disdain for sounding out words. It is the first time she has ever said that.

I have so much hope for that little thing. I'm so happy for her!

After the 4th day of Miriam's visit, she just went up to bed and I wanted to catch up here. Her and her girls have been an absolute joy here. I cannot delve completely into how much I love them and what it means to me that they're here. It changes our lives and helps the girls connect with family in a real way. I love it!!!!

I sat down to write and Ruby's 4th grade binder sat open right next to me. She writes herself notes on the cover that say "check led in outside pocket!!!!" and "new pens in outside pocket/your pencil!!!". She is trying to be organized and it is so incredibly adorable. I could die!

Grace is such a preteen. Like, a little black skirt and a tank top that says "I need candy" that she wore to showcase. I just can't believe how big she's getting!

Today it was so so hot. BOILING. There is no air conditioning in many places here on the cali coast so we just sit and overheat. We at least go to the community pool to cool down around dinner time. Tonight as an added treat, we had pizza delivered to the pool so I didn't have to cook dinner!

We facetimed Nana and Papa in Australia. Just me and Grace and Ruby. It was nice to have some time to have them catch up w the older girls.

All the girls are in dance now.. my dream! They are learning ballet and Lillie is learning hip hop. I'm lucky we aren't loaded with money because if we were I would put them in everything! Soccer, art, guitar, cello, piano.... I would be driving them everywhere every day! It's so fun to watch them pursue their interests.

It's fascinating to me writing with no audience because I don't care what I sound like and I don't second-guess how I may "come off" to my readers. There simply are none.

---------

Where do I begin...

Today I picked up a journal I purchased for Tada when she was a baby. Picked it up, dusted it off, and wrote 3 lines. The second entry in four years. After I eeked out a few interesting things, Tada came running in needing help finding baby doll clothes. I caved because it's just her and I now and I am having the happiest days with her. Enjoying this phase of motherhood so much. But I am very, very behind on documenting.

Some things I want to remember:

I bought Tada a ballet outfit today at Target. All pink. She starts tomorrow! I am just loving this. She loved her outfit and said "Oh my gosh mom I love my ballet outfit so much, I am gonna SCWEAM when I get dare!!!!". I mean.. seriously.

Lillie yesterday said that she saw her crush at lunch time. His name is Ryston. She is only in first grade but is highly capable of falling hard in love! She said he's "hot man!" and "Oh baby he's hot!". She is so cute.. little eyeroll as she talks about her little love. I can't get enough.

Grace started middle school this year and the other day she said she wanted a boyfriend. That she thinks it would be cool! I nearly had a heart attack. Jake said, Uh, you wanna kiss someone? And she was all disgusted and said no, ha ha.

I am so happy here in Carlsbad. I feel like we've finally found our little spot. I love my friends and love our little routine. I'm in a bubble here and hardly ever leave south Carlsbad for any reason! :) Meanwhile, Jake is working really hard everywhere. He is starting to get a little business online which I'm really happy about. He is too! He's a rad surfer and goes all the time. He kicks ass. He is so in shape and has so much energy.

:):):):) Until next time.

Dripping From the Ceiling Like Rain.

(A perfect shot on timer-- A Christmas Eve Miracle.)

I had a brownie for breakfast. And my frown lines look deeper today... You'd think being the mother that I am in charge, that I have control over most things that happen in my home. That I can prevent disaster by paying more attention. No. No, I cannot.

I'm not naming any names but there are two people that live in my house that are total mobsters. They will steal your money and laugh as they run away. They will eat your soul for brunch. And they have the cutest button noses little grey-green eyes that constantly demand adoration. That's the problem.

They are going through a phase at 5 and 3 years old, it's a destructional partnership. A marriage of mayhem and wild ideas. Grace and Ruby went through the same thing and I wrote about it here. It was in early 2008 when I was pregnant with Lillie and their escapades involved urine and food messes, clothing always optional.

Last night I had a couple girlfriends over to chat and have some good laughs since Jake was out of town. Before they arrived, the girls were in their bedtime routine. The big girls were practicing their guitars while the little ones were supposed to be brushing teeth. I go upstairs to check on them and the bathroom door is locked. Knock knock knock, open up, it's Mommy!

I heard a flurry of scrambling and they opened up. Oh, the humanity... They were both soaking wet, there was an inch of water on the floor, all 8 toothbrushes were strewn all over the countertop, toothpaste tubes were opened and lying in the soapy water dripping from the counters, the toilet seat was covered with water, the soap container was empty and there was water and soap DRIPPING FROM THE CEILING LIKE RAIN.

I started shriek-talking.

After the initial outburst, I asked them what they were doing, searching for some sort of purpose. They said they were putting water from the sink into the toilet. Like it's a thing. Like other people do it. Like it makes sense. As I was talking, they put their little hands to their mouth to hide their smiles. It was then I knew I didn't have a chance. I sternly sent the laughing hyenas to get themselves clothed.

Ruby yelled downstairs later, "My toothbrush tastes like soap!". I had no comeback, no answer. I sort of pursed my lips and let my eyes flutter closed and slowly inhaled.

My friends left around 10. I went upstairs, knowing full-well that all the girls were still awake. Sleeping is never their priority. I popped my head in their door way to see Tada's bed completely stripped. All the blankets and pillows on the floor, sheets all the way off, bed safety guard loosened and removed and leaning up against the wall. Tada had taken her jammies off. And there they were, playing princess dolls in the corner of the room while time stood still, 28,000 baby dolls laying lifeless on the floor in a sea of rubble.

I put Tada's bed back together muttering under my breath, "what were you thinking", or "why would you do this", or another variation of incredulity, all while nobody listened.

The other day I knocked on their bedroom door which was stuck shut, in which they should have been having sister playtime. The smell of urine hit me right away. "WHAT DID YOU DO??", I managed. "Tada peed", "No, LILLIE PEED!". The finger pointing went on while I surveyed: Two naked girls, a dark spot on the carpet, and toys and clothes everywhere. The first thing I needed to figure out was wear the second dark spot was... Tada revealed a pile of clothing and when she lifted it up, said "here it is! I needed to hide it". Second spot located. I found other damp clothing around the room and had no idea what got peed on and what didn't, so had to wash it all.

Asked, "why would you guys pee on the floor when the bathroom is like 3 feet away?". Nothin'. Blank stares. I think someone eked out, "Cause we didn't want to stop playing".

And did I mention we have two iPads and the screens are both smashed? I'll give you two guesses.

(Can you spot picture-wrecker extraordinaire?)

Happy (belated) Birthday, Lillie...

Lillie,

I was reading about craters the other day, formed by the hypervelocity impact of a smaller body with the surface of a larger one. Get it? You're the small one, making an impact? I could keep going for paragraphs using stupid analogies to describe you and the fireball that you are.

But I won't.

Because you're more special than that. We've been through a lot together and our relationship is deeper than a lot of others because of our journey. There have been nights where I sit against the kitchen cupboards and cry. Really tough nights. Other times where we get in rhythm and you respond well and the world turns at the right speed, and I look at you with joy and confidence and intense appreciation.

Baby doll. There is no one else like you. Your laughter that jumps like a bean on a trampoline. Your unruly curly hair and light freckles across your mini nose. Your anger, your joy. Every emotion is so intense. Your brain receiving information and spitting it back out at a speed I have never experienced before.

You started kindergarten this year and didn't even look back. This is what you were made for, to get in the middle of a peer group and shine. You love so easily and have several "wuzzerboys" (loverboys) at school that you have a crush on. You are drop dead gorgeous and me and dad constantly stare at you in disbelief.

The other night you told me that you just love to kiss me, that's all. You also told me with a gasp that I looked SO PRETTY in the dress I was wearing. You told me that you feel bad that I work so hard. You're my greatest ally, you little five year old thing, and I feel undeserving.

You constantly blow my brain to white, then manually infuse the color back into the scene "your way".

Your singing is SO good. You can reach a high note and land on it perfectly and dance there, and me and the older girls gawk at your ability. In gymnastics, you are the most determined girl on the floor. No one else is more serious and more focused. Your coach did an exercise where you had to keep your body laying straight while she lifted your feet off the floor. You were the only one that could do this and I was not surprised!

You are the only one in the family that cleans up their room without me asking. Determination is just another strength you keep in your back pocket like it's no big deal. I see you be hard on yourself and I hate that. You are your own worst enemy and I don't want you to be victim to your own set of expectations.

I am so incredibly proud of you. My chest just puffs out and I get teary thinking that I gave birth to such a strong little girl and how every day, you teach me how to be better.

Because if such a strong human being came from me, then I can be stronger too. Thank you for opening my eyes so wide, little one.

Happy Birthday.

xo
Mama

M.

Matilda's dark lashes, lightly touching her cheek, in rhythm, as she fits each puzzle piece. It is almost too much. It's sad, how the fan blows her hair and how I can't remember the others. The details of their 3rd year. And how I may not remember the details of hers. My throat's tight and I "help her with her puzzoh", but really I just stare at her like a dumb lady. Unable to take in her essence in completeness. The way she runs on the beach, her heart-shaped lips forming these little words that aren't quite right. A bit of a stutter.

Oh..

----------------------

My little one.

Your feet splayed at an angle underneath you as you folded down toward the big bucket of water on the shore. You collected baby clams and ran and rolled around in the sand. You crinkled up your nose and ate some cheese-its on a chair. Today was you in liquid form. No schedule, you getting basically anything you want. Even the soccer ball that the other girls and I were trying to kick around in shallow water. Your birth marks, your smells, your insatiable appetite for anything and everything. Your bangs that constantly hang onto your sweet, soft face and tease your mini nostrils.

And time goes on like a torrent, hurting my head and body and leaving me empty-ish. And a bit sad. Because how can I enjoy the present in spite of the future, and the change it always brings?

My little Matilda, I want to remember you today, tonight. As a little one, age 3, who dresses herself and has a gentle manner. But one who fights for what she wants. And also, please know that everyone that meets you is enamored. Sigh and a half.

xoxo
mama.

Happy Birthday Matilda.

 Took our baby doll out on a date to sushi and play time at the beach. 

 Matilda,

It's like I opened a can of soda and you shot right out. Bubbling and jumping and playing and singing and whining and talking and running. The sound of you echoes around the walls of my child-full home. A human can only be stared at for so long and I'm sure you'll start to get tired of it. For now, you don't know any better and the effort and happiness on your beautiful face is so contagious I am caught unaware and constantly find myself unable to physically let go of you.

You're squishy and think you are fast, but you still run like a toddler.

Sometimes you talk way too much and when my overworked cells try to synapse what you are saying over and over and over, I tell you to quiet down. And for a second I remember wondering what you'd be like. What gender you'd be, what hair you would have, how much your infant body would weigh and I just want you to talk on and I try very hard to listen better.

Force me to forget, my Matilda, how long the day seems and how tired I become as the minutes tick by.

Always take me to that place where you can wrap me up like you do your baby dolls... all day... and handle me as gently as you do them.

See in my eyes, in Daddy's eyes, how incredibly and vastly loved and adored you are.

Remember Ruby's hands gently cupping your shoulders each time you are hurt. I hope you can understand that all of these girls live for you. Hinge on being the one to make you laugh, cuddle with you, or get you what you need. Feel that esteem and bask in it.

Know that I often find Dad squished between you and the wall in your bed, reading you board books while you conk him repeatedly on the head with your elbow. He would do that forever. You consider him your personal servant.

Dearest, dearest little girl, you were absolutely our choice to bring up the last precious bit of our family. The little endcap, a most important feature in an already blooming garden of daughters. You are my snuggly reward, the berries on the cheesecake.

You're starting to get a few freckles and I wonder as I "hold you to beep" some nights, gazing down at your face, who you will be. Who you will love. I wonder about that year or two when the other girls may be out on their own and we get you to ourselves.

My little twin, I love you I love you I love you. Be my baby forever.

xo
Mama