Thursday, October 21, 2010


A good friend of mine also has four daughters and we went up in the mountains today with seven girls (Grace was at school).

We probably won't ever try it again, but it had specks of "adventure" written into it if we looked close enough. "Emotional abuse" is what comes to the forefront of my mind, though, and I'm talking about the child-to-parent kind of emotional abuse. Lillie cried 93% of the hike. I gave up minutes into it, but there was no choice but to press on.

She is all-consuming. When she's not crying, I tiptoe around my life as not to disturb the delicate state of peace. When she is crying, it's all I can do not to walk out the door. Hear the birds chirp. Remember who I am for a moment. The first few minutes of a fit is not bad, it's the tail end that kills me. It's the last five minutes after the first five minutes and just after the second five minutes.

I just don't know what to do. I've learned by now that she has little control over her emotions. This well of frustration is inside of her, and it has to come out. But my head hurts and my ears are ringing. Why didn't my mother (or at least someone!) tell me it would be this hard sometimes. Did they forget? Did they gloss over the details on purpose, their hands moving straight to my pregnant belly exclaiming "Congratulations" with a knowing smile on their face?

That's it? "Congratulations?" That's it? Nothing like, "you are about to be run over by a cement mixer". Or, "give yourself a few years, you'll look as haggard as the rest of us". Something that might've helped, "you may have to teach your five-year-old how to read while your two-year-old creates a crying, screaming soundtrack just feet from your eardrum".

I'm sure if they were being honest they would have warned me. I'm sure the warning would also have been accompanied by a river of gladness that they did it anyway, that they made it through.

Here's hoping!


Missy said...

I've been meaning to comment! Really! I've been thinking about you and just that I know you are unbelievably patient and want to know how you do it. Avery has though fits sometimes too, Chloe is pretty easy to distract. It is the last 5 minutes that are the worst, where you think you'll pull your hair out right? At least it is not their hair! ;)

You are fabulous, I love you.

Heidi said...

YOu are so honest and open I love reading your blog and knowing I am not the only one that might lose it from time to time.

Carin said...

OH Sarah! To tell the truth, we really don't remember how bad the 'bad' times were until we read your blog and it all sounds vaguely familiar.....Yes, something like that did happen to me....I had four boys first, five and under. I remember crying and crying one night because I couldn't discipline #3 the way I thought he needed because of the energy I was devoting to #4. Well, I totally forget about how hard that was until I read your blog and am reminded of that place in our history. At some point, it just becomes easier--as they age, and then you'll forget too. (That's why it is good to have a blog---to remember!) You are doing what is most important and you are doing it very well!

The Hones said...

That first picture reminds me of the picture of Hannah throwing a tantrum when she was that age...she turned out amazing, Sarah, there's hope!
And just so you know, you totally gave me the glossy eyed "congratulations" about being pregnant and having a baby. You did it because deep down you know they are beautiful creatures and when they're not ruining your life during the day, they're ruining it at night cause they're so beautiful you have to stare at them instead of sleep yourself.
love ya sarie, you're a great sister and even better mom.

Anonymous said...

I love your Blog and I would publicly comment, but my own grown girls would roll their eyes, and say "Mom!" I am just wondering if you have had any thoughts about checking Lily out for some sort of physical problem that makes her hurt or feel perfectly awful? Just a thought. Keep up the daily grind, it is all worth it!

Diana said...

Thanks for blogging -- the love and the hard stuff. Sometimes it makes me giggle and cry at the same time. My #3 had a royal fit today because I said no to candy. Then I threatened to throw it away when he didn't stop crying. The screaming lasted for about 20 minutes. My ray of sunshine at that moment was that we were leaving soon, and he would be at someone else's house for an hour! I dug the little box of suckers out of the garbage when he stopped screaming and went to go look for his shoes 'cause it was time to go bye bye.

Keep up the good work! In mothering and blogging. :)