Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Me and them, them and me.
Lately I've been thinking a lot. How before, maybe in past years or after I had the older girls, I had some guilty feelings. Like I can't be just a mom, I need to get going on something else. Back to school, or start a little business, or do more photography or piano lessons or real estate. It's always there, nagging, that feeling of needing to be something else, too, besides a mom.
Well I have to say that with my new baby Matada, I really don't feel that way. I know how fast this time goes, when they're babies. It zooms past me, it doesn't look back, it leaves a wake of dust that settles slowly on my shoulders. So I'm eating up every bit of it. I've dug down and found my treasured pool of crystal clear talent. It's in there. And it mothers well.
Something is brewing inside of me. A change. A desire to be better at this, this particularly hard and largely unrewarding job of motherhood. To give it a big hug and say, "it's good to see you motherhood, I've been trying to ignore you. Trying to pretend I won't lie with you, but I think I will". I've been making a menu, cooking new things. I've been staying more organized. I've been thinking about things like *gasp* starting to teach them to play the piano. I've been forcing myself to relax, to leave my chores behind and sit next to them and listen with my eyes glued to theirs. I've been kissing the baby's face off (but that's a given).
Every minute of this particular summer has had a little magic in it.
The girls play outside in their underwear. They turn on the hose and fill up buckets, and little pools, and camp chairs and cups and plates. They make mud. There's mud everywhere, on the patio, the carpet, even on the walls of my house. I shampooed the carpets on Friday and not two minutes later, Lillie came running in with mud caked all over her fingers and she'd slid her hand down the wall of the hallway on her way back to find me. On that same subject, she did pee three times on the carpet yesterday (she likes to take her diaper off) and she pooed on the girl's play chair. Apparently we're raising a puppy...
Grace and Ruby come in from playing outside and need to warm up, so they get in bed together with their drawing paper and pens and draw funny pictures. And they laugh hysterically. And Lillie bugs them half to death.
It's magical, I tell you!
Rarely do we have friends over, rarely do we venture out. Just me and my beautiful daughters, being young, hiding from the world in our tiny little home.
I keep telling myself, "You're so so lucky. Take it in. Feel it.". I know it may not always be this good, who knows what the future will bring. But for now, I know.
And just for now, I will be that mother. The one who doesn't shave her legs, can't remember how old she is, stands in the driveway looking hideous with a look on her face. That strung-out look. I'm a mother who wears flip flops to every occasion and always shows up with essential items missing from her diaper bag. Like her wallet.
But look at these girls. They deserve everything I can give them. Most of all, my time.