Saturday, October 05, 2013


Matilda's dark lashes, lightly touching her cheek, in rhythm, as she fits each puzzle piece. It is almost too much. It's sad, how the fan blows her hair and how I can't remember the others. The details of their 3rd year. And how I may not remember the details of hers. My throat's tight and I "help her with her puzzoh", but really I just stare at her like a dumb lady. Unable to take in her essence in completeness. The way she runs on the beach, her heart-shaped lips forming these little words that aren't quite right. A bit of a stutter.



My little one.

Your feet splayed at an angle underneath you as you folded down toward the big bucket of water on the shore. You collected baby clams and ran and rolled around in the sand. You crinkled up your nose and ate some cheese-its on a chair. Today was you in liquid form. No schedule, you getting basically anything you want. Even the soccer ball that the other girls and I were trying to kick around in shallow water. Your birth marks, your smells, your insatiable appetite for anything and everything. Your bangs that constantly hang onto your sweet, soft face and tease your mini nostrils.

And time goes on like a torrent, hurting my head and body and leaving me empty-ish. And a bit sad. Because how can I enjoy the present in spite of the future, and the change it always brings?

My little Matilda, I want to remember you today, tonight. As a little one, age 3, who dresses herself and has a gentle manner. But one who fights for what she wants. And also, please know that everyone that meets you is enamored. Sigh and a half.



kellebelle said...

So lovely to hear from you again. Life is insane and blogs can't always be the priority, but just know that when you do put words on this page, someone appreciates it. You have a way of inspiring me to better treasure my own four girls and all that life entails. More importantly, these words will be jewels for your girls someday. Thanks for sharing.

chanel said...

I feel like I say the same thing every time you blog, but you just have such a BEAUItFUL way of writing, of reaching the very core of motherhood and the DEEP love we have for these wonders! Thank you. I teared up. When you do find out how to "enjoy the present in spite of the future and the change it brings" PLEASE let me know. I try, but there is such a soft part of my heart that dies knowing I won't have these precious days again with them. Thank you for helping me TRY harder to be in every moment! ANd thanks for your support as we transition to our new home- a whole other trial to get through and come out better for. Life is hard.