Tuesday, May 31, 2011

MyMatilda -- Anticipation.

Celeste. She is pregnant with her third boy and we have been friends since we were little girls growing up in northern California.

I always think it's so strange when I go to friend's houses that have boys. What usually happens is I sit on the floor and their gaze suddenly turns to me, they run full speed toward me and try to wrestle me. One friend told me flat out, "I don't sit on the floor at my house, it's an open invitation!" I love boys. In my house, if I sit on the floor, my girls hang on me like seaweed and whine like an old timing belt.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Place.

Me and a few of my babies.

Sometimes I look at the night sky. I'm dazzled by the few stars I can see with my eyes that are a fraction of the 100 billion stars that make up our galaxy and the 100 billion galaxies that make up our universe. Stretching into forever, incomprehensible with my teeny brain.

Then my mind comes back down, and I glance around my little house, with old carpet and thin walls and little beds tucked in between. We seem so small. So insignificant. So un-grand compared to all the people, all the problems, all the joys, all the triumphs on this little planet.

But our family is its' own machine, working and blending and becoming something wonderful. We're loving and living. I'm happy and content to only occupy my own minute place in the universe, as long as it's with them.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday Photos.

 28mm, F/4, ISO 6400, 1/50.

Got these right in the nick of time. Photographs were not really on my mind today, but because of my new camera, which still makes me drool, I can take a photo when the sun is down, clouds are thick, and room light is minimal and it is completely possible!

Weekend was fantastic. What can you do with four young kids? Not much in the way of public events, but we make our own fun.

- Rode a 4 wheeler around in the back yard.
- Lots of icee pops.
- McDonald's
- Jimmy Neutron and Costco trail mix.
- Friends, family and good food at Hannah's baby shower.
- Naomi and Laurel visiting from out of town.
- Rode scooters and bikes at the park.
- Enjoyed one full day of no rain (Saturday).

All together, a great weekend full of little girls' clear, honest, wondering eyes. And best of all: Tada took six steps today! Way to go baby!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Little Babe.

I want to cradle that foot in my fingers and kiss each of those tiny toes individually. 1-2-3-4-5. 

Cupcakes and Feelings.


It's been one year. Four seasons. 365 days since I held your newborn body in my arms. Your birth taught me a billion things. Most importantly, I am not timid, I am not paralyzed by fear, I am not a coward, I am not a quitter. I am a tower of strength when the time calls for it. It took me over 30 years to learn this and your birth was one of those moments where I turned the corner and finally saw myself as I really am. Strong and capable. And we did it together.

I think I began to wake up in many ways after that and I am changing a little more every day.

You are a gift. A present wrapped up in squish.

You climb and pull and scream and laugh and fall and smile and pinch and kiss and sleep and cry and play.

And you did all these things today. Our house was filled to capacity with your aunts and uncles and cousins.  I caught a glimpse of you over by the toybox. You were sitting there, turning something over and over again in your hands. You looked up. Your eyes focused little to my right, then slid over and caught my gaze. You sat there and beamed. A little girl so in love with me. You dropped your toy and crawled to me.

I picked you up, parts of the future playing in my head like a quick flock of birds. You. Bigger, stronger, smarter, older, tougher.

It will happen. It always does.

In the meantime, know that right now, today, I have never loved you more. I have never known you so well. I have never been so grateful for you and I have never felt so lucky to be your mama.

-- M

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Crawling and Shrieking.

This baby's going to be One on Saturday. A one-year-old in this big world. 

You know when you're at the opera, and the lady sings loud and high? And then higher, and higher, until she hits a note so high you think the windows might burst. You love it, but you also want it to stop. It fills your senses, thrills you and shocks you. 

Well Tada squeals like this but I don't love it, I just want it to stop. During meals is the worst. She'll scream a few times and then I'll watch Jake get up, make a bottle of chocolate milk, and bring it to her in her high chair. "It's the only way" he says in a tight voice. 

She crawls around the house like a shrieking little mammal. Unaware, can't speak english, can't walk more than two steps, uses a diaper, can't dress herself, still sucks her toes, gets into everything. I wonder what will change by the time she's two. She'll most likely be a walking, shrieking mammal that gets into everything.

When Jake gets home from work, she crawls in hyper speed, taking the shortest path through the toys to his feet, and demands to be held. He cannot resist Tada, most people can't. If you do, she makes you pay.

Last night around 11 she woke up. I held her for a long time. I tried to lay her down again in her crib. She cried. I sat back down and rocked her more. The weight of a baby distributed from my chest to my waist is a very familiar feeling. Fuzzy pajamas, restless legs, the sound of her heavy breathing. My fingers traced the roundness of her forehead, her hair, her eyes, her lips and nose. My hand rested between her miniature hipbone and the start of her ribcage. I sighed. And loved.

I hope you are enjoying things so far, Tada. We adore you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sunday Photos.

Daddy makes them laugh the hardest. And the bottom photo, they were told to look like "supermodels".

The girls all have coughs this week. With the news of Pertussis in Cache County, I am so glad we are all vaccinated.

Happy Spring!

Right NowNext 36 Hours
ShowersShowersScattered T-Storms
CloudyShowersShowersScattered T-Storms
Feels Like: 42°HighLowHigh
Past 24-hr:
Precip: 0.21 in (est.)
Snow: 0 in
Chance of Rain:
Chance of Rain:
Chance of Rain:
From SSW at 5mph
W at 7 mph
NE at 6 mph
WNW at 8 m

Sunday, May 08, 2011

A Mama.


Almost every day a thought crosses my mind, like a running shadow, as the afternoon grows long. It's a fleeting one, and always unique. It's a thought of you. Sometimes in the wrinkles of my hands, or the way I chop vegetables, looking through the kitchen window at the girls playing together. Their laughter floats toward me and I think of you. How long ago you did the same thing. Prepared dinner, managed the endless sea of dishes and laundry and needs, laughed and cried at the weight of your responsibility.

You gave us yourself. The best way you knew how. And that's what I try to do, every day. Mother my girls the best way I know how.

My affection for you translates everything and translates into everything I do. Decisions I make, even the little ones, reminisce of you. There's something about you in almost everything I do. That's a mother to me. The one who I cannot separate myself from, no matter how many miles I travel. One can clamor to find the line, the one where you end and I begin. But I cannot find it, and for that I am happy.

All I can say is thank you. A million times, thank you.


To my babies:

Make You Feel My Love
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love