Sunday, April 10, 2011
Three girls jump on the bed in their underwear. The fourth is too little to join in, so she chews on the sheet.
Four kids is A LOT. I'm constantly overwhelmed and never have enough time for everything. I am never doing enough. Plus there's fighting, or hoarding, or not listening, etc, etc, etc.
I feel like I have a big basket full of gold coins and I'm walking down the street with the sun shining. I love my basket of coins, and I love the sun. There's a cool breeze and I'm by the ocean. Exactly where I want to be. But it's so full that they keep falling out and I stop every three seconds to pick one up. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were flopping out on purpose, just to bug me. I can't keep up. So I am never- another one fell - doing - another one fell - enough - another one fell.
My basket of coins, it's all I have, it's everything to me, it's a gift beyond my own ability to fully recognize. Hard to manage, yes, worth it, yes, easy? No.
Matilda is standing on her own for little bits of time. My baby, my beautiful little baby, is going to walk. Probably soon. WALK... now I'm freaking out. She gets jokes. She understands teasing. She demands specific behavior. Her voice is loud and frightening.
But you know what? She lets me swaddle her to sleep. She falls asleep swaddled tightly with a milk bottle lagging in her mouth, lying there in my arms like a 20 pound burrito. I hold her tightly and let the night fall slowly around me. And I kiss her sweet-smelling cheeks a hundred times.
You see? Totally worth it.