Tuesday, December 07, 2010

L.

I love her, I do. She's two. She screams on the way to school. In the morning, when I want to take the last few minutes of morning peace and talk to my older girls and tell them to have a good day and remind them to be kind and stand up for themselves. That's when she screams. So loudly that I can't hear Ruby talk. All the way there, all the way back.

It's not that I'm ungrateful or disenchanted or any less in love.

It's just that she surprises me and shocks me. She pounds the normal right out of me and replaces it with unconvention, deviation and strength. She leaves me wide-eyed, speechless.

Did she choose me? Did I choose her? Did we not choose each other and we're meant to muddle through until we come out the other side, changed, refreshed, stronger people?

I feel guilty about my fear of her. I feel guilty about the way she disrupts my conscious and the way I sometimes deal with it. My first instinct isn't to fight her. It's to run away. So sometimes I do. I just walk away. Because I don't exactly know what else to do. I put that job away for a few minutes so I can come back to it and start fresh.

She's a wild one. That's all mine. And I better figure her out.

8 comments:

Melissa Summers said...

She sounds a little like my Brandon. I got this great book that gave me a whole new perspective on his personality. It is called "Raising your spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is a work book that goes with it too. It has helped Bran and me A LOT!!!

sharry said...

when you get it figured out - give me a call. i wanna know!

all i know is - there are times when you just know only one of you is going to survive this collision course you're on. times when you question, doubt and berate the wisdom of your pairing - you couldn't imagine there was any choosing involved - who in there right mind could have thought it was a good idea. there are times when the light at the end of the days tunnel is brighter than you had dared hope, and others when it seems to have been snuffed out completely. then suddenly he's 18. and willing to work fast food to pay for a mission you weren't always convinced he would go on. and you breathe. and you wonder what all the fuss was about.

that's what i know so far...
love you.

Melissa said...

I have one of these too.. His name is Maxton and he tests me daily.. I don't know what to do with him? I find myself shaking my head and walking away like you.. I love him don't get me wrong. He can go from crazy,screaming, tantrum to cuddle bug in 5 seconds.. I am hoping its his age and as he grows this to shall pass!!! Just know your not alone! Your writing is so beautiful. Someday when you look back on this its going to be funny at least thats what I tell myself!!

Melissa
www.yesallfivearemine.blogspot.com

Carin said...

Well, Sarah....all I can say is it will get better. Our third son was the one who did it to me. I never thought I would survive.....he always pushed me to the limit from the time he was an infant. Now he is 16. He is one of my favorite teens and is nothing like what I thought he would become based on the child he was early on. Maybe Lils will be that for you. As for the parenting, it is just getting all of that passion and spirit directed in the right place. That's when you know they will be alright. Until then, we know we may be the only one who could love them at that place.

Cindy said...

Sarah, I wish we could live closer so you could mentor me. I am in awe with the amazing mothers out there and I would love to just follow them around for a few months, taking notes. :) You are an amazing mother!!

Rebecca Smylie said...

"I feel guilty about my fear of her..." That was a good line. You're a good Mom Sarie.

Emily Allen said...

Sarah, I'm on awe of your writing, your photography. It's all beautiful. I'm so happy to know you. I hope we get to rub off on each other. :) You remind me of my lovely sisters who are mothers. (I have 7 sisters!) We have our best chats in the kitchen as well.
I'd love to talk photography with you. Your girls are lucky to you for their mom. :)

Team Bowers said...

She sounds perfect! Except I have one I am afraid of and she is 8. What to do with her? That is the question at the end of every day with her. Good luck you amazing mama!