Thursday, October 14, 2010

Realize.



It's 1:15p.m. and I'm still in my pajamas. I have done lots of things, but showering is not one of them. Oh! And as I write, the Little One just spit up on my pants. How appropriate!


On another note, I don't know what to do with Lillie. She's given up naps. If she takes one, she's up until  11p.m. So we're done with naps. Which makes functioning in the afternoon impossible. Take for instance, yesterday. She cried on the 15 minute drive to gymnastics, she cried for the first half hour of me attempting to watch the girls while she pinched her fingers in every single door in the building. She cried on the way to get french fries. She cried on the way back. She cried when I went in to pick up the girls, which I was late to do, so they were trying to phone me from the front desk, Grace with tears in her eyes. She cried while we drove up the road to get on the freeway.


I entered onto the 90th south onramp, and noticed that traffic was at a dead stop. There was an accident up ahead. Rush hour, Matilda and Lillie crying, stopped in four lanes of traffic trying to merge onto a stopped freeway. I almost did a lot of things... including smash my forehead into the steering wheel to dull the pain.


How do other people do it? I can't be the only mother in Utah stuck in a mini-van at rush hour with screaming kids. No wonder women lose it. No wonder some are on medication. No wonder moms are on edge, and are known for it.


Four kids has really tested me. Before this, I'm going to say that motherhood was challenging at times, but I felt I could handle it. It was fairly easy. Since Matilda was born, Lillie has entered into a constantly changing tide of emotions, personal problems and breakdowns. She doesn't leave my side. Which makes everything else so difficult. I love her. I tell her a thousand times a day. I am here for her. I tell her that, too. But the bad, the bad is so hard.



My life is now filled with so much noise and distraction it's hard to even remember my name. At times I want someone to come and relieve me, like a relay race, you would run through my front door, I would hand you my apron and take off for a long run. I would run over hills and past houses and stores and little neighborhoods until I found a hill top somewhere with green grass and trees. 

I would sit down to be alone with my thoughts and enjoy a little peace. 

There I'm sure I would find my mind wandering. Over my life, over my husband, over the faces of my beautiful daughters, the shadows and valleys of their noses and lips, their questioning eyes. I would think about their hair falling over their shoulders and bouncing as they ran. Their shocking beauty as they sleep.


Then I would realize it. That I want them so badly I could cry a billion tears. And I would haul myself up, as fast as I could, and run home again.

13 comments:

Melissa Summers said...

I have felt that way many times. Sometimes moms just need a time out. Sometimes my timeouts can be 10 minutes other times 2 days. Either way by then I am ready to go running back to my kids with arms wide open.

Dolly said...

Hey Sarah- first off, I have to say that I love your blog! The pictures are amazing and the way you describe everything leaves me in awe. That said, your daughters are gorgeous and if you ever want some time by yourself, give me a call. I would LOVE to get to know them better and play with them while you get a break. You are a wonderful mother and such an inspiration to me! (by the way, I'm Leanne's little sister at BYU :] in case you don't remember)

Lindsey said...

Enter evening bath-time...hubby home, kids in his charge, bathe the grime from my body, and have 15 minutes all to myself.
I hear you. We are all in the same boat. Which means we all understand and are all in this together. Hang in there.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :)
p.s. um, aren't we like 2 years overdue for a girls night??

Rebecca Smylie said...

I don't know Sarie. Don't know what to tell you. But I think you're good at all of this. Really good at it.

Cher said...

beautiful post.
i think it's ok to feel like you need a break, cuz sometimes you do. when i get my "me" time i come back refreshed and a better mom. even if it was only 15 minutes. you just need to find out where/when/what is your me time.
oh, and there's just nothing you can do about traffic. that's just THE WORST! so sorry you had to do that.

Amy and Sean said...

I feel that way all the time, and always come to the same realization...and I don't think I have a good excuse, because I only have one child! By the way, Ian and Lillie should hang out, because his behavior is identical to hers! Maybe they would wear each other out with all the crying! Hang in there, you are an awesome mom!

Jennifer said...

Hang in there Sarah! Abby still needs a nap or she will start crying about everything. This summer she wouldn't nap, but would talk in her room for hours. She would talk at night for hours if she did nap. Now she gets up earlier and naps ok. I usually wake her up before I leave (7am).

You are a great Mom. I only have two and I just can't get caught up. I'm exhausted after work and that's my time with my babies. That and to do everything at home.

Lillie said...

I can only imagine. Sometimes I think I'm right there with you--- but with two almost over three years old--- I know I'm not. I know things are about to get a lot more challenging and if I were doubling them? Well I can't imagine. But isn't it true that there's that much more to drive you mad but that much more to anchor you so fast to the heaviest most REAL love in the whole wide world. You're such a good mama.

Lotti said...

I like others here can relate to your feelings, which you express so beautifully. We want our children and we love them with a passion but being a mother would be one of the most rewarding yet hardest jobs ever. I love your beauty and yet your honesty.

Dinah said...

Okay, to feel this way Sarie. Perfectly natural. Been there many times, AND it does pass. So for a purely academic discussion
Lillie is probably feeling the same way...Everyone wants a piece of HER Mum and no matter what she does everyone else is there first. So she defies sleep, just so she can be in control of SOMETHING!! So what to do...Maybe she does not have to sleep or nap, but could you set the timer so that she has to have a "Quiet Time" each day. She can lie on the floor, at your feet, whrerever, with a quiet book or doll and must only whisper to it "quiet time" like, but she must stay there until the bell rings. 20 minutes even 10 minutes to give her mind a time to rest and her body to settle down and you are close by and her body is making the adjustment and her mind is too. You may have tried this. You probably have. But some times for myself I find that I need a "quiet time" in my day at work or I begin to want to scream. Did not mean to make this a book. Know that you are okay and you are doing the right thinig with 4 beautiful children. I love you dearly. xoxoxxoxo I would come if I could...xoxxoxo

Carin said...

It is OK. Have a little 'emergency pack' in the car for those times (a few granola bars, extra pacifier, water or juice, diapers w/ wipes, maybe a new card game for the bigger girls) just some things that will make your life a little easier if you are stuck in traffic (a bottle of juice with one of those left over hospital nipples for the baby that Grace could put together while you are driving). Those kinds of things may help. And Dinah is right---it will pass. It doesn't seem so now, but it goes so quickly and then you really do forget how BAD the bad times were. And all that is truly left is the beautiful women/men who have been created by your sacrifice. You know that though, because you are one of them through the sacrifice of your mother.....just look around at your brothers and sisters and your mother.

Celeste said...

You are doing such an awesome job with your girls Sarah. You are a mama I try to model my self after. And we all feel like running away many a times... but love them WAY to much to stay away for long! That's why Cheesecake Factory outings are so perfect!

Lisa said...

Can I come sit in my pajamas and we can have a day of laying around and eating cookies together??? We should have done that the last time I was there.

I'm having one of those days too.

Oh and don't you worry I will bring the Snoop Dogg :) Cause you know Ive got it!