Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday Photo


There is a constant nag of self-doubt. There is. In almost every day of my life. It's an unrest. Am I too mean, too nice, inconsistent, not really present enough? Do I need to have more of a plan? Less junk food, less outside influence? More music, more tolerance? Or less tolerance and more stability?

Why do I constantly flip flop back and forth between feeling like a good mom and bad mom? At the end of the each day, when the girls are tucked in and I'm cleaning and folding laundry or reading or watching tv, I roll back the day on a film strip in my head. I think about my responses to each of their heartfelt questions. I think about the way I reacted when I was angry. I try to put myself in their place.

When I was a little girl I would lay in bed at night and think about the world from a child's point of view. I remember how I felt then and it makes me want to be much gentler on them. It makes me want to slough off some of my adult-ness that causes me to steel myself. Truly, I am only a little girl myself. Trying my best to be a mother. But I have no idea what I'm doing. I take each day as a single event and hope my mistakes will wash down the gutter. Maybe someday when they have grown into beautiful people, I'll feel so glad we made it through the ups and downs. Like they turned out okay in spite of me.

I sometimes think to myself, as long as I'm me and I'm happy being me, they'll be happy being them. And that's what I want, happy confident little women. But it's so hard to be me sometimes when there's soggy cereal being poured on the carpet, screaming, lots of dirty diapers, complaints about what I'm cooking for dinner, no time for myself, hardly any peace. I feel like I'm stifled. And when I lose my patience and control I feel like a different person. The wrong person.

But other times I magically have time to spend with each of them. Some nights I don't get mad, keep my voice so very steady, blink gently when they don't listen to anything I say and ask them politely to return and finish their tasks. It's then that I feel like my spirit is oh so strong. Like I'm myself. Those nights I feel like I was chosen to be the mother of these four girls. Hand-picked like a puzzle piece. I feel so good.

And this, I suppose, is motherhood. A long series of ups and downs and in the end, you finally find yourself.

9 comments:

Danyel said...

Sarah,
wow... that is what I feel in my heart everyday and you have said it perfectly.
Being a mom... the greatest "job" in the entire world.
I thank the Lord every day for allowing this all for me.
Nothing could possibly be better....
Love all your posts and love seeing the kids....
wow... we are all so very blessed!
Danyel

Sarah D said...

So true. I wonder if those questions and doubt ever really fade. I feel like you, I want so badly to be myself and do things for myself, but I would never trade the time I have with my kids or the moments that make everything "me" so unimportant. Thanks for sharing!

LuCDay said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Regi said...

I love this post I feel the same. I think our children will turn out in spite of us. Your girls are beautiful!

Melissa Summers said...

Well said. I have had many of those days and I am sure I will have many more. At the end of the day though I am always so grateful to be a mother and that the sweet spirits that live with me are mine forever.

kristen said...

I always feel a sense of happiness when I read your blog...and tonight it is no different but also extends to a total sense of relief also! As I totally know exactly how you feel....it is like you have followed me around each day! You have said it perfectly and it is so true! I am so thankful to know that I am in company with an amazing mom such as yourself...and that in itself gives me hope and knowledge it is all ok!!!
Thanks Sarah!!!!! :) :) :)

Lillie said...

Amen sister. Amen.

Latisha said...

Once again you have beautifully articulated how I think most of us feel! Thanks.

Celeste said...

Love the cute tongue out!