Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Baby girl

Photo taken a few weeks ago

Lills,

I want to remember the night we had. You couldn't stop throwing up. It was your first time ever, so you were nothing but confused and alarmed. Your body shook and strained and I held you, cleaned you, and said inaudible things in calming tones. It's the tones you remember deep in your subconscious, not the words. Just like this night. It will sink in somewhere but you will not remember.

I worried about you. I rocked you, your body wrapped around the circumference of my massive belly, your cheek against the skin of my arm. I checked methodically with my hand on your forehead for possible fever. I stared down at you while you slept, tried to remember you being any smaller than you are. I couldn't, really. Your chest rose and fell and after a few minutes you stirred and I grabbed another towel. What do we really want when we're sick anyway? Someone to be there with us. Look at us, acknowledge our suffering. I tried to do that for you while the rest of the house slept.

You'll be the youngest for another two weeks maybe. We adore you, we tease you, drive you crazy, inspect the way you run down the hallway, hair disheveled, diaper sagging. You amaze us, no matter what the milestone.

The first time you see your little sister, it won't make sense. You'll be delighted, but you won't know. You won't know until you're five or six, until you're ten, until you're twenty, what an amazing blessing a sister is. She will be there for you and will be part of our gift to both (all) of you.

But remember, the specific tug you give my heart will always be there. Never to be replaced or lessened.

Love you Lills. And all your crazies.

9 comments:

Team Bowers said...

So sad to see them throwing up. That was such a sweet message. Good luck with baby #4! CAn't wait to see pics!

Team Bowers said...

So sad to see them throwing up. That was such a sweet message. Good luck with baby #4! CAn't wait to see pics!

Leanne said...

Aww.. I miss ALL of you guys. Hope she feels better soon!

missy said...

love, love this! what a cutie she is. and yes her world will be turned upside down. but, I'm sure she will find her place in your family of girls, no problem.:)

Cher said...

aaaaaw. so well written

kristen said...

hope sweet lillie is better!!!! hugs to her and all of you!!!! She will be an amazing sister to this little one coming so soon....love ya all!!!!!

Diana said...

Beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Celeste said...

Poor thing... I'm so glad she has you for her mama to help her through a rough night.

Lara said...

you so capture what every momma feels. i cry every time i check your blog and i long to write... to have the time to write... to be able to express myself so others can FEEL what i felt. Thank you for the momma you are and for sharing so much of it with everyone. i know you touch us all.