Wednesday, February 17, 2010

For my booshy girl.


Ruby,

Our relationship has a soundtrack. Beautiful music, some fun, some slow, some funky. Your music comes from your chest, pouring out of you, and wraps around me like a cocoon.

Did you choose me? Or did I choose you? Were you nervous to come here? Did you know how we would adore you?

Last night you and I went to the store together. You had a particularly emotional day and I wanted to get you alone. You're so dimensional. Like a planetarium. I could just stare at you and listen and wonder for hours.

You're a million shining stars.

You wanted to sing Christmas songs. But not the ones that most people know. These were the made-up kind. Where you sing in some convoluted melody and mixed in are words not of our language. They're formed somewhere in the back of your brain, only allowed to display themselves when you don't think many are listening. I laugh and you wonder what's so funny.

Today at a routine check-up, the pediatrician asked me lots of questions about you. I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes. Some things are just so clear. The way he said you were, "75th percentile for height and weight and you look plenty healthy to him...". I measured you with my eyes, weighed you with my soul and your limitless potential swirled its way around my head. I felt heavier and lighter at the same time. How can I raise you? How can I not?

One moment I feel I don't deserve to be in the presence of someone so intricate. And the next, I want to clutch you so close to me that no living soul will realize how outstanding you are. If they did, they'd want your constant companionship, and I wouldn't give that up for anybody.

There are lots of reasons why I love you. The fact that you draw for hours and all your people have fingers and eyelashes and bows and headbands. The fact that you bite your nails, get canker sores, hate jelly, love pickles and cucumbers and broccoli, and how you tell me that you're pretty. The fact that you are in love with your daddy and draw pictures of him bringing you flowers. I love your skinny fingers and lips. I love how you give your life to Grace.

There are lots of reasons. But most of all, it's your mammoth-sized heart.

6 comments:

LuCDay said...

Well you always did want to be a writer, now you have something (or 4 somethings) to write about. And you do it beautifully too!

Laurel said...

you = writer
this = beautiful
ruby = blessed

Megan said...

I wish I was one of your daughters. They're lucky.

cc said...

I hope this isn't weird, but I've been reading your blog for a while now and I just had to tell you how much I love your writing and the way that you write to your girls. It elevates my perspective of own 3 daughters and inspires me to understand and appreciate them more. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and photos of your truly beautiful daughters.

(Also, I'm Jenni Evan's cousin, does that make it less weird for me to comment? And I've noticed you commenting on the Apron Stage, one of my favorite online places...it just felt like a small enough world that I could finally stop lurking and tell you I love your blog! :)

bows and more said...

I am a stranger who most consider their friend. I found your cute blog from Julie C.'s blog. I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful family. What amazing photography and writing. I am a crazy busy mom of 5 4 boys and then 1 girl! I just wanted to say Hi, oh and if you are still thinking of names you can look at my name blog www.babynamegame.blogspot.com I really love the name Evie or Evvi pronounced Ev-he I think it would go really cute with your other girls names also Savayah pronounced sa-vay-ah and you could call her Savvi for short. So here I am a stranger giving you my 2 cents! Good luck and best wishes for healthy happy baby!

Lara said...

only a mother could know such love. thank you for sharing all that you see in your children with us.