Monday, August 24, 2009

First Day

Grace, this time around was easier. You knew where you were going and you cinched up your belt, slung your backpack on, and took it like a first grader. Everything came into view very clearly. There was hardly a jitter as we walked into school together, as a family.
You were willing to help us feel calm and happy, and that trait alone made you seem like you were 22.
Halfway to the pavilion you didn't want us to touch you. Walk next to you, talk, yes. But no touching. And please, no more pictures.
You let me kiss you. On the lips. I know you did it just for me, too, because of that little hesitation.
You absolutely love these shoes. You think you can fly in them. You think they make you faster. And they do.
You filtered into your new classroom. You found your seat and as you did, I watched you take off your backpack, watched your shoulder blades work hard while you unpacked your supplies. Your eyes darted back and forth, taking stock of your cubby, the blackboard, the other kids. I was nervous, but you were not. I imagine that as I write this you are eating your grapes, the ones I washed and put in a ziplock bag last night at midnight while Dad and I gushed and gushed over you. It's the way we often spend our spare time.
Ruby,
You know the van with all the stickers? The van we drive everywhere? It was inside this van today that I had my final feeling about you going to preschool. I was driving the van down Lakeland Hills Boulevard, right before you pass the hospital. And my chest tightened.
It was really sudden. Like a shockwave. You were saying something about listening to "Mrs. Wilson" if she gives you instructions. And there it was, a minor anxiety attack right there in the driver's seat. How could I really let go of you? Even for a few hours each morning? I breathed through it, blinked my stinging eyes and my lungs eased up and I looked back at you, the early morning light brightening your green eyes and your chattering mouth full of expressions and expectations.
I looked over at Dad and said that there will never be anyone else like our Ruby. No one.
You then reached over and poked Lillie in the arm. The baby that was only a newborn at this time last year.
Ruby, you floor us. And I know you'll be alright. But like any other parent, I feel like I walked you to the end of the dock, dropped you into the sea, got in my car and drove back home with an insufficient, "she oughtta be alright".
Remember that we will always be waiting for you to come home so we can hear each and every set of your profound thoughts.

11 comments:

Lynnie said...

i dropped my baby in the sea this morning, but I bawled all morning about it. Good to see others feel the same way.

Jessie said...

hisarah

Jodi said...

I cannot believe how tall Grace has gotten. They grow up WAY too fast!

Jennifer said...

I hope your girls had fun! I dropped Abby "into the sea" again last week and I still have a hard time some mornings. Of course she's usually the one swimming while I'm the one drowning. We'll make it.

LuCDay said...

Alex and Johnny start next Monday. They are so ready and I am less ready the closer it gets. Also, I'm glad Grace has cool shoes since the rest of her clothes look like everyone else's. So important. :o)

Lotti said...

This is just beautiful ... I love reading your blog. Your writing is so inciteful and heart warming. Thank you.

Lotti said...

and I forgot your photography is even more amazing .... wish I had that talent

Kristie said...

Lillie must be enjoying the attention while the girls are at school.

Oh, and Jake should maybe take a leaf out of Grace's book and cinch in his belt - those jeans are just about 'round down his knees!

Laurel said...

don't tell anyone but I SO live vicariously through you sometimes.

But, really...don't tell anyone.

(Ruby flashing "i love you"? yeah. priceless.)

Cebre said...

Sarah-- I'm not even a MOM and this brought tears to my eyes. First day of school blues... ahhh

ali wade said...

WHAT...wait...WHAT!!?? Ruby, my little Ruby, She's in school!!!! AAHHHH, I can't believe it! When did she get old enough for school??