I don't want to sound less than ecstatically grateful for what I have. I wake up every morning to the most beautiful human beings in the planet and I love what they say, what they do and who they are immensely. My husband is my best friend. Sometimes he's the obnoxious best friend, but the best nonetheless. We have very good times together and this is one thing that I have always wanted.
But I want to be something more and always have. I want to accomplish something extraordinary. And I know, I know, I already am accomplishing something wonderful by being a mother. I KNOW that. But sometimes, at the end of the day when my work is done, it seems like my efforts have once again disappeared beneath the pile of newly dirtied laundry, crumbs on the floor from dinner and handprints (which I love!) on the glass door. In all the worrying and fussing and cleaning throughout the day, there is very little progress. What are my accomplishments? Of course, in the smile of my children and the twinkle of gratitude in their eyes, but what about me? I once had dreams of traveling the world as a journalist, working as a therapist, or a high school counselor, or living in a cabin in Montana writing novels.
As a wife, I live under the umbrella of my husband. A lady on the phone said to me just today, "Are you still a stay at home mom, or are you working?" That's an interesting question. I am constantly in orbit. I provide my husband with a mountain of confidence, in person and over the phone while he is at work. I get jobs and quit jobs according to his schedule and preferences. I have slowly gone from a student supporting myself through school at age 18 completely on my own, to a mother of three not bringing in a penny, a job severely minimized by society.
I love being a mother, I do. I laugh at my babies all day. I look, I search, deep into their eyes and relish the fact that we are a family. I know my children need me with them, and I would never let anyone else raise these three beauties of mine. I am patient with them, I help them straighten their room, and I comfort them when they hurt themselves until my brain is a scrambled mess at the end of the day. I guess my fear is that at the end of all this I'll be chubby, pushed over the brink of insanity, not able to do simple logic or remember anything important and people will say, "...and she wasn't even that good of a cook".
18 comments:
Sarah, I work and I feel the same way. I have accomplished nothing special. At the beginning of a new week, all of the work I did the previous week is no longer important. I do not have children, and I feel the same way. Quite honestly your legacy is your children. One day someone will walk away from one of your girls, no doubt after a fascinating conversation, and they will think to themselves, "Wow, she must have great parents. She is so together, or she is so smart." Until you no doubt do something you consider "amazing" know you ARE doing amazing things every day. I still can't get over how amazing you are that you blogged and made bread the day you gave birth, how awesome is that!
oh, Sarah, you will never, EVER turn into that chubby, not that good of cook mom. I know it. I think you sum up so many thoughts of stay at home mom's so well. I think we all started out with big dreams. It makes me sad sometimes that I don't see the paycheck I used too. It's really hard what society thinks, and it's not right.
It always makes me think, the pioneer women, they had physical struggles that I never could have endured, but us, maybe we have emotional struggles that they think are worse?
I don't know how all those super mom's do it all - run companies, have great families, to it all. It's amazing and overwhelming at the same time.
You voice what all of us stay-at-home mom's (and probably women in general) go through. We all want to be better and more amazing than we already are. I guess that's part of our challenge - to learn to be content with who and what we are. I'm sure it will be a life-long struggle for me. I appreciate your blog. You always make me think.
uh yeah, some days i feel like my life can be summed up by one simple quote. in the words of the incomparable lily tomlin, comedienne extraordinaire, (trust me she's funny!) - "when i was growing up i always wanted to be someone. now i realize i should have been more specific."
so you may not be a novelist in the traditional sense of the word, but take my word, you have written a history for your girls unlike any other since gracie was a baby. it's a body of work that you can be proud of. and it's a body of work that your grandbabies will be captivated by. you are more than a novelist or a journalist....you are a historian. and probably the prettiest, nicest, sassiest, funniest, most entertainingist one i know.
i love you, sharry.
yep--this is the age old struggle that any stay at home mom feels at some point. Last month we had a business dinner and I sat there thinking "man, I USED to be interesting!" All I could think to say was things about my kids. It made me a little sad. BUT...I'm trying to do the stay at home mom gig the best I can, because in about 18 years that part will be over and I will have to find something else to do! That will be hard to get used to.
Pa-Shaw! If you only could see yourself from the outside, the way we all view you, I think you'd back track most of this (beautifully written) post and give yourself and HUGE PAT on the back. You may not ever enjoy that breeze of cool air rushing over the mountain top sweeping through the window of your quaint Montana cabin as you comprise yourself into a great novelist, but who cares? You write great a blog. I know I know, blog versus a book, come on... but WE LOVE IT. YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOVE IT. IT WILL BE THEIR MOST TREASURED AND ENJOYED PART OF YOU THAT YOU LEAVE BEHIND. Never forget those inspired words our late prophet said, and I quote, ""To you women of today, who are old or young, may I suggest to you that you write, that you keep journals, that you express your thoughts on paper. Writing is a great discipline. It is a tremendous education effort. It will assist you in various ways, and you will bless the lives of many--now and in the years to come, as you put on paper some of your experiences and some of your musings." --President Gordon B. Hinckley
That is what you are doing Miss Sarah. And you are darn good at it.
You always seem to say what I feel in such better words. Really I've been there and continue to be there on and off each week. It is a struggle that I hope to get over someday. How? I don't know. Maybe it helps just knowing that we are all there. Personally I have been on quite a roller coaster dealing with this over the last year. I see these amazing woman on their blogs who are moms like me. But seem to lead amazing lives. Brilliant at a number of tasks as well as keeping spotless homes, running some sort of genius side business, cooking fabulous meals and just relishing in it all. I know that I love being a mother their really is nothing else I would want to do right now but sometimes it's hard not to become depressed when your household work is demolished in two seconds or knowing you could be doing so much better. I'm working so hard at living in the moment and just enjoying this time. Just know there are so many of us who are often in that same mood.
You just typed my exact thoughts. And I don't even have time to write more than that, because, you know, the baby is crying and dinner needs to be fixed. I think about my mother everyday and am so thankful for what she sacrificed for her children. And someday, your kids will too.
Oh man. I need to blog about my conversation the other day with a friend who is an Ernst and Young senior auditor.
But, I have to say that you are a novelist. That's the great thing about blogs. It lets the highlights of each us come out and you are SO amazing at just that. And you are an amazing photographer, and totally quick witted and super friendly (how else would I know that besides we haven't met and I consider you a good friend?).
Those days though. It's good to write it down. For yourself, for us and for your girls.
I know just how you feel.
I think we all feel the same. I was just saying to Jeff yesterday that I feel like I should be doing something more. Something for myself. Oh well. Maybe someday.
You've put the thoughts of many a womany down on a blog page. I work and have babies, and I feel like there just isn't---enough. Do I spend the time and energy with my children or with my students? My children need food on the table and the students need love from someone who isn't a drugie or beating them... It's a tough world out there and as women we get to do more than our fair share. You're doing great. But, I understand. I wanted to travel the world as a photo journalist and save the planet while I was at it. Now I have dirty laundry, dirty dishes and papers to grade. Hang in there. You really are doing the best job in the world right now. Someday, perhaps you'll get to expore more options. Just enjoy the moment!
Firstly, didn't you just have a baby about 5 minutes ago!?!?
I can't imagine you being confined to a desk 9-5 everyday. You're such a creative person. Writing is definately one of your strong points but you are also a FANTASTIC photographer, you should look at doing something with this talent. You could work your own hours and still be around for the girls. But don't rush your girls are only young once and you have your whole life ahead of you.
I know it can be frustrating but there is a time and a season. You really do have so much life ahead of you and for now you are doing what is best for your family. I have to say that after having worked for the past three years supporting my husband in school I never felt as giddy each day and as fulfilled as I do staying home with my new baby. And I even accomplished some dreams of mine during that time when I was working like getting my writing published and writing travel articles. it still doesn't compare. Even when days are hard now I know this is what I want to be doing and when this is over I will pursue new things and fulfill new dreams. And what Missy said is so very true. You have this blog where you express everything so eloquently and wittily and it is going to be a great legacy for your family.
This post after that last post. I hear you Sarah. Totally.
Found your blog through a friends blog. I just recently got back from NYC. A place I ADORE. There are so many amazing people there- so much talent and ambition and intellect. I found myself thinking, what am I compared to these people. I didn't even graduate from college and now I have 3 kids and I'm not even that great of a mom! Thanks SO much for your post- it really helped me remember that I am not alone in my thoughts and I do have worth.
ok, you totally just blew my world....i'm not getting paid for this? greg said that my reward would be worth more than gold...i just assumed he meant platinum. i'm so depressed.
Hi, I got here through a friend's blog as well, and I just wanted to say I appreciated your post. I've struggled with many of the same feelings, and even though I do work a little while my kids are in school I still get that "marginalized" feeling.
Being with your kids is the best place you can be now, but it won't always be that way. I think all success stories start with a little bit of discontent, and it's always good to want to do a little more with your life. As time goes on and your kids get older, that feeling might lead you to take on new goals and challenges. Maybe you'll go on to grad school, start a business, or use some of your talents to land a great job. I don't think it's ever too late to do any of those things, but we all know you only have one chance to raise your kids.
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